Monday, January 30, 2012
If There Was One Phrase I Could Eliminate from the English Language...
I'm tired, people.
Freaking tired.
I am so tired that I can't actually remember what it feels like to NOT be tired.
I haven't slept in a really long time. I say it's been weeks, but really, it's been more like years.
The same thing happens nearly every night. Evening comes. Drowsiness comes. My bed beckons. It welcomes me. It's such a nice bed. The nicest bed I've ever owned. So soft and perfect. The sheets are comfortable. The blankets are warm, but not too hot. And my pillows? I have fabulous pillows.
I bought the bed five years ago, after decades of sleeping on one monstrosity after another.
(It spent two sad and lonely years in storage, so it's really like I've only had it for three.)
The first night I slept on that beautiful pillow-top mattress, I fell in love.
The problem is definitely NOT with the bed.
No, unfortunately, the problem is all me.
The very moment I lay down and close my eyes, my brain goes into overdrive. Remembering today. All the conversations I had. Work left undone. Bills I forgot to pay. Phone calls I was supposed to make and didn't get to. Phone calls I DID make and wish I hadn't. And then I think about tomorrow. What time I have to get up. What I'm going to wear. Do I need to stop in the morning to put gas in the car? What meetings and appointments do I have going on?
It's not like I have an Important Job.
I mean, what I do matters. And whether I show up determines the kind of day a lot of other people are going to have.
(Just to get that straight. Because I'd really like to keep being employed and I am in no way implying that my job is unnecessary.)
It's just not an Important Job. Like, I don't have a secretary.
In fact. I'm not even a secretary.
They get paid more than I do.
I don't have anyone counting on me to put dinner on the table at night, or even to get home every night.
(Of course my roommates notice when I don't show up. But I think you know what I mean.)
The point is, by all accounts, there's no reason for this sleeplessness that has plagued me for way too long. Mine should be the blissful, restful slumber that others envy.
But no.
Not me.
Nope. Instead, I toss and turn and beg the clock to stop marching on toward waking up time. Begging my mind to please turn off and go to sleep already. Spending entire days in a fog of half understood conversations, and searching my mind for facts that should occur to me as easily as my own name.
It's been this way for a long time.
Off and on, of course.
But mostly on for the past two months or so.
And every time someone dares to tell me that I don't understand what it's like to be tired because I don't have kids?
It kind of makes me want to punch them in the head.
Because there doesn't have to be a hungry, diaper-needing, crying baby down the hall for me to understand what tired means.
I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Sunday, January 29, 2012
One Month Down
So even though I don't have an update or any magical pearls of wisdom or a brilliant guest post today, I'd still like to encourage you to link up and let us know how you're doing. How did it go this week? How have you liked the first month?
We all want to know!
And it's NEVER too late to join in the fun. Click here to add your list to our master linky.
Don't forget to visit Jennee and see how this week went for her, too.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Friday, January 27, 2012
Odds and Ends
•First and foremost, one of my nearest and dearest real life friends, Emily, also happens to be an awesome blogger and is hosting a really awesome giveaway that you should all check out.
(And no, blogging about it doesn't get me an extra entry. I'm telling you about it because it's cool, she's cool, and you should enter.)
(And you should also just follow her blog while you're there because, like I said, she's cool and you're missing out.)
•There are 9 movies nominated for Best Picture. I've seen 2 of them so far. I feel like such a failure. I've added the ones that are already on DVD to my Netflix list and will hopefully catch them in the next couple of weeks. I plan to see The Descendants ASAP, and I'm still on the fence about War Horse. Not because I don't think it's a great movie, but because I have this weird thing with movies about animals that don't talk. I hate seeing animals suffer and get scared. Even more than people. I need help.
•Speaking of needing help, I mentioned yesterday that I started seeing a therapist. Two visits in and I am SO GLAD I did this.
•On an impulse this morning, I bought a bag of M&Ms. Which should be no big deal. Except that I haven't opened them yet because I know as soon as I do I will EAT ALL OF THEM RIGHT NOW.
•I'm currently reading The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. It's really good, except that lately the only time I've had to read has been late at night when I should be going to sleep. It's taken me four days to get through one chapter. Which is frustrating because I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENS RIGHT NOW.
•One of the things I'm working on now is patience.
•I'm going to go open those M&Ms now.
•Hey. I'm currently working on patience. Not impulse control.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Reassurance"
I am a single woman who is a month away from turning 35.
And I'm okay with that.
Do I wish I was married?
Yes. As my therapist forced me to admit last week in a very weird conversation that had me completely stoic and unemotional while sharing some deeply painful and awful bits of my past before tearfully admitting that I truly and deeply believe that I won't ever get married.
Because, OBVIOUSLY I'm TOTALLY fine with that.
Ahem.
I've discovered a cycle in my life. I'm cruising along and get to a point where I'm comfortable with who I am. With the fact that I'm single. With the idea that I will ALWAYS be single. And then a friend or a stranger or a therapist--
(This therapy deal is a new development. Don't worry. You haven't missed anything.)
--feels the need to "reassure" me that I'll get married some day and that I shouldn't worry about the exact thing that I already wasn't worrying about.
It's happened over and over and over again.
Look.
I'm not avoiding marriage. I'm not afraid of it. And I'm not wallowing every day, scouring the kennels for my next furry companion whilst lamenting my unfortunate spinsterhood and assuming that the only reason I'm not married is because I'm somehow not good enough for anyone on the entire planet.
I know I'm pretty awesome. Far from perfect, but still cool to be around a lot of the time.
And I do hold out hope that there's some man out there for me that will think I'm cool enough to hang out with for all of eternity. Preferably one with Ryan Gosling's face and Colin Firth's manners.
I haven't given up. I've just come to accept something that I fully believe is reality.
But again and again people tell me that it's wrong to think this way.
They say things like: "You'll find your Prince Charming" or "You need to expect to get married" or my personal favorite: "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Really? Because I wasn't expecting it at all, and now that you've said that, I AM expecting it all over again.
So, thanks for that.
It's normal for people to want to reassure one another. To feel like we're helping make someone else feel better. To say something that comforts.
Ironically, though, it so often happens that the more things we say in our efforts to help, the less we actually do.
I know that people care and worry about me.
Believe me. In the past few weeks I've become keenly aware of just how much people worry about me.
But the "reassurances" aren't reassuring. The helpful comments and questions are often the opposite.
You know what IS helpful? What IS reassuring?
Knowing that I'm accepted. That my marital status doesn't affect my social standing. That I'm still welcome and included and involved and that people understand and accept that I can be a perfectly normal person even without a man at my side.
It's not like I somehow forget every day that I'm alone. I'm not unaware of the fact that it's been eons since the last date I went on that had any potential for going anywhere.
I need to feel like I'm adequate. I need to feel like my feelings are valued.
I need to feel like people like me. Just the way I am.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
The Oscar Nominees Were Announced this Morning and You Better Believe I Watched Them Live
It's here! It's here! Oscar time is OFFICIALLY HERE!!
Forget Christmas. THIS is the most wonderful time of the year.
(Okay, I'm lying. You all know how much I LOVE CHRISTMAS.)
But this is the second most wonderful time of the year.
And I have my little traditions that have been steadily cultivated since sometime in the early 1990s.
Yes, friends, I've been watching the Oscars since the days when I was still young and naive enough to believe that a movie like Batman could be nominated and win Best Picture over that snooze fest Driving Miss Daisy.
(Okay, Driving Miss Daisy wasn't a snooze fest. But by the time I saw it, Daisy reminded me too much of my grandmother, which basically ruined the whole experience.)
(Mind you, I LOVE my grandmother. But Alzheimer's sucks and I didn't love watching it play out in a movie.)
Anyway. The point is that I've been watching the Oscars for a very long time. And I love them. Like, a lot.
And I almost always make predictions about the nominees. In fact, in recent years I've gotten pretty darned good at my predictions.
This year, I didn't really get around to doing them. The nominations just sort of sneaked up on me, what with all the stuff I've been dealing with in my real life.
So, this morning, as I sat and waited for the announcements to begin, I jotted a couple of quick notes of just a few of my predictions (pretty much based on buzz and precursor award nominations and gut feeling):
Best Supporting Actress:
Octavia Spencer, The Help
Bérénice Bejo, The Artist
Best Supporting Actor:
Christopher Plummer, Beginners
Jonah Hill, Moneyball
Kenneth Branaugh, My Week with Marilyn
Best Actor:
George Clooney, The Descendants
Jean Dujardin, The Artist
Owen Wilson, Midnight in Paris
Brad Pitt, Moneyball
Ryan Gosling, The Ides of March
Best Actress:
Meryl Streep, The Iron Lady
Viola Davis, The Help
Michelle Williams, My Week with Marilyn
Best Picture:
The Artist
The Descendants
War Horse
The Help
Hugo
Midnight in Paris
The Iron Lady
Moneyball
The Ides of March
My Week with Marilyn
That's pretty much an exact transcription of my quickly jotted guesses before Jennifer Lawrence and The President (?) of the Academy made the announcements.
(Yes, I originally wrote in We Bought a Zoo, but scratched it out because, as much as I loved it, I had a feeling the Academy wouldn't.)
So I was 2 for 2 on Supporting Actress. And 3 for 3 on Supporting Actor.
I *almost* said Jessica Chastain for The Help and Melissa McCarthy for Bridesmaids, but I thought it was way too much to hope for either of them.
And then I was 3 for 3 in the Best Actress category, but only because I didn't know that Albert Knobbs was eligible this year. Had I known that, I would absolutely have guessed Glenn Close, just because she plays exactly the kind of character that gets nominated for Oscars: a beautiful woman disguised as an unattractive man.
Which means I'm even more afraid than ever for Viola Davis and her chances of winning Oscar gold.
In the Best Actor category, I was a little less perfect with 3 out of 5. But if there were going to be surprises, this was where they would be.
Or, so I thought.
Two things stood out to me this morning.
First, there are only TWO Best Song nominees. And I'm just going to say right now that I am rooting like crazy for "Man or Muppet" because, hello! That song is awesome. As was the movie.
Second, there are only NINE Best Picture nominees. After making such a big deal about raising the category from 5 to 10, this year there are 9. In a year where there were certainly more than 10 worthy films.
I'm scratching my head a little bit there.
And speaking of the Best Picture nominees...I guessed 7 out of 9 right. Not bad, eh? But the two I missed weren't even close to being on my list of potentials: Tree of Life and Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close. Mostly because they've gotten such radically polarizing responses. People either love or hate both of these movies, or haven't seen them, and that usually isn't a good sign when award season comes around.
But, they both managed to sneak in there to the surprise of many and to the absolute delight (I'm sure) of a director friend of mine who absolutely loves and adores Terrence Malick.
(For very good reason, of course.)
So, this is going to be an interesting Oscar race. Right now, nothing seems like a given. It feels like any one of these nominees in every category has a chance at winning.
(Except, let's face it, Jonah Hill.)
Because there are 23 categories, I'm not listing everything, so click here to see the complete list of nominees.
The next four weeks or so are going to be exciting! I can't wait for February 26, not only to find out who the winners are, but to welcome back the very best Oscar host EVER, Billy Crystal.
It's gonna be a good year.
And in case you're wondering, I'm rooting for The Artist. I finally saw it and it is worth every single ounce of hype it's gotten. And then some.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Sunday, January 22, 2012
Cruising Along in Week 3: Project 52
After an amazing, unexpected season, my beloved San Francisco 49ers lost to the Giants yesterday by a field goal in overtime.
Sad face.
But, Happy Face! As I write this, my friend Marly is at the hospital, hopefully having a baby boy!
And another friend, Stephanie, got to bring her brand new baby boy home yesterday.
And Marly and Stephanie are next-door neighbors in the same apartment complex. Must be something in the water over there.
Anyway, with all this excitement happening all around me, I've still managed to scratch a few things off my list.
You already know about the awesome Indian restaurant (#47) that Marly and I found a couple of weeks ago.
And that audition for the OCMCO (#35) a week or so ago.
Last Monday, on Martin Luther King Day, I went out with Stephanie and her husband and my roommate and tried Eggs Benedict (#40) for the first time.
And you know what? They were yummy. Super yummy. I don't know why I've never tried them before. But they were worth the 34.92 year wait.
I've also got got 2 out of 15 trips to Disneyland finished. And another one this weekend when some friends from Utah come to town. More on that later.
There have been 4 soda-free days so far. Which actually sounds a little bit pathetic since it's now January 23. Gonna have to step that up.
Aaaaand...I think that's about it. For now.
But hey. Three goals finished and two in progress in the first three weeks of the year? I'll call that a win.
I'm feeling optimistic.
2012 is gonna be a good year.
How are you doing so far? Be sure to link up below and share!
And it is NEVER too late to join in the fun. Add your list to our Master Linky right here.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Good Enough
You see, one of my goals this year was to audition for the Orange County Mormon Choir, and my audition was last Thursday.
Notice, my goal was NOT to get into the choir. It was simply to audition.
Because being accepted was not entirely up to me.
So I signed up to audition and then Marly volunteered to come along because she knows I get all needy and anxious when I'm nervous about anything that involves talent or skill or bravery.
We showed up to the audition last Thursday night. My hands were shaking and I think my knees were actually knocking together because this was a Big Deal. I've never auditioned for anything before where I wasn't guaranteed admission.
(Except that one time in high school, but the drama teacher was a total jerk and was supposed to find me a part somewhere and didn't.)
Anyway, the audition was in the chapel of a church building a few towns over. A friendly young woman told me to sign in and have a seat. Marly and I sat. There were only three of us waiting to audition just then, although the Audition Coordinator said there were 26 on the list, staggered throughout the evening. So it was me and two men and my cheerleader.
The first man was called into the chapel. The time had come. Auditions were officially underway.
My hands were shaking and Marly did her best to keep my mind off the anxiety, just reminding me that I'd be fine and that I could do this.
And then the first guy came through the doors and it was my turn. The coordinator called my name.
I stood up, looked back at Marly, smiled a weak smile and entered the chapel.
The cavernous, gigantic chapel full of empty pews and lots of space and just me and the choir director.
The choir director who was very friendly and looked about 18.
(Which was weird since has five kids.)
(And a musical resumé about a mile long.)
He introduced himself and I introduced myself and informed him that I had bronchitis.
(Oh, did I forget to mention that part?)
(Yup. The day before, I had basically been walking around all day sounding like a 12-year-old boy.)
He said that was fine and that he'd be able to hear my tone and {technical music words I can't remember} despite the crackles and hacking cough.
I took my place at the music stand and he sat at the piano and we did a few warm up exercises. Since my last experience with a choir anything remotely similar to this was about 800 years ago, I stumbled through the warm ups, not entirely sure what I was supposed to do. But I got through it.
And then he asked me to sing the first verse of "All Creatures of Our God and King."
And I am here to tell you that the voice that came out of my mouth was something I didn't even recognize.
I sounded good.
Really good.
I knew it.
When I finished the first verse, he asked me to sing the first part again. "But not in your choir voice. In your belt-it-out Opera Voice."
I don't have a belt-it-out Opera Voice.
But I nodded and he started playing and I sang.
SANG.
Sang my little lungs out. Hit notes I never should have been able to hit in my current state of allergic-ness and bronchial nasties.
"Good," he pronounced before asking me to turn to another hymn so that he could get an idea of my lower range.
It wasn't as pretty. But I was still feeling good.
As I finished the second hymn, he stopped playing and jotted a few notes on the form I'd brought with me. In the space that was marked "This space is reserved for the conductor."
I waited. Still shaking a little.
"Well," he started, still writing. And then he looked up. "You're definitely good enough to be here."
He said a bunch of other really complimentary things, but what rang through my brain was that I was GOOD ENOUGH. To be here. I was good enough.
That's something I haven't believed about myself in any sense in a really long time.
At that moment, it didn't matter if I was accepted into the choir or not.
Because I was good enough.
He went on to explain that his only reservation was my lack of formal choral experience and asked if I would promise my most excellent promise to work my butt off outside of rehearsals.
Of course I promised I would.
And then he said the results would be out by Tuesday. Just in time for the first rehearsal on Thursday.
I thanked him and walked out of the chapel to find Marly standing by the door. "You sounded SO GOOD!" she said.
"You could hear me??" I was slightly panicked by the thought and incredibly relieved that I hadn't known this BEFORE I'd gone in to sing.
She and the Audition Coordinator both said they could hear me and that I sounded great and I thanked the Coordinator and we left.
I was on a little bit of a high. And I told Marly that I knew it couldn't possibly have gone better. I felt great. And as much as I REALLY wanted to get into the choir, I'd be okay if I didn't because of the kind things the director said to me. About me.
When Tuesday came, I was on pins and needles. All day long. I tried to ignore my email, but couldn't. Every single time I got a notification that there was a new message, I jumped on it in a weird combination of fear and excitement.
That night, Marly texted to ask if I'd heard anything yet. I told her no and promised she'd be the first when I did. She assured me that when she'd gotten into the choir, she didn't find out until the day of the first rehearsal. I freaked out a little because there was NO WAY I could wait two more days.
By 9:45pm, there was still nothing. So I wrote her back, told her if I hadn't heard anything by then, I probably wouldn't that night and I'd talk to her tomorrow. (Which was yesterday.)
Yesterday morning, my alarm went off at 5. I fumbled for my phone and noticed an email message waiting. I clicked on it and saw:
OCMCO Audition Results
My heart stopped.But I reminded myself that it didn't matter if I got in or not because the director thought I was good enough. And if I didn't get in, it was for some other reason. I could always audition again in the Fall.
I opened the email.
I got in.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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