Friday, June 19, 2009
Summer of Karen: Week 4
Living in Southern California, we are used to having amazing weather a good deal of the time. The winters are mild, with the occasional rain storm. The summers are hot and smoggy, but miles of gorgeous coastline make it easy to beat the heat with trips to any of the hundreds of beaches.
"June Gloom" is a term we have become accustomed to here. The first part of June is nearly always cloudy, especially in the morning and the early part of the afternoon. It usually burns off by the end of the day. And even when it's overcast, it's almost always warm and humid.
This year has been different, though. It's been cold. It wasn't until a few days ago that temperatures finally started to break the 80 degree mark. And I have yet to experience a day that has crossed into the nineties.
Aside from the weather being predictably cloudy and gray, June Gloom has taken on a different meaning for me this year. It's too soon for me to get into details. I can't write about it until I know what is going to happen. I am trying hard not to make assumptions about the outcome of the situation in which I find myself because I am still hopeful that things will go the way I want them to.
That hope is waning, but it's still there.
I've been walking around for the past week or two feeling like I was in a fog. Just like the sky, I've felt as if I've had clouds hanging over me, lingering and blocking out the bright and sunny splendor that is hiding just above. Everyone close to me has tried to comfort me. To make me feel better. To get me to smile. Everyone except the one person that can make the gray skies go away.
I've spent more time on my knees this week in earnest prayer than I probably have in the past six months combined. I had a blessing the other night, too. These comforts, which used to be instant and lasting, have, this time, provided only temporary relief from the pain I've been feeling.
I've had down times before. Everyone has them. Sometimes you just don't feel like yourself and you have to just sit back and feel a little bit of misery and sorrow before jumping right back into things and resuming your normal schedule of feeling fine and getting things accomplished.
This isn't one of those down times.
This time is different. This time is darker. This time hurts on every level: emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually.
This time, I believe I've discovered the true meaning of depression.
I appreciate my friends. I'm grateful for my family. I'm thankful to each and every one of you that reads my blog.
I know you clicked on here today expecting to see one of my usually cheerful posts and I'm sorry that you were met with this instead. I'll get through it, and I know this blog will help me get there. I promise that if you stick with me, I'm not going to turn this into a whoa-is-me-my-whole-life-sucks outlet of depressive drivel. I still have my moments. Tonight I'm going out with the girls and I know I will smile and I will laugh and I will genuinely enjoy myself. It's going to be great. I'm still in here somewhere. But I will probably post with a little less frequency for awhile. Please bear with me. I'm counting on all of you and your wit and humor and brilliant minds to help get me through this time.
It's 10:30 in the morning and the gray skies have already turned to a pale shade of blue. Maybe today will be a good day.
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I am thinking of you, Karen. I hope that your days are filled with lots of sunshine!
ReplyDeleteTake care of yourself and have a good time tonight!
ReplyDeleteNo worries, Karen. We can't all be butterflies and unicorns 365 days a year. Like you said, we have our ups and downs. By reading your words, you are aware and on the righ path to get back on top. You have a support system and are going out with the girls so at least there is some light in the dark right there. Vent what you want and how much you want. Your readers are here.
ReplyDelete*big hug*
Sorry to hear that you're in a bit of an Eeyore phase. I have those times, too. Hope things turn around for you soon! We're all rooting for you!
ReplyDelete(HA! I first typed, "We're all rotting for you!" Proof reading: it's your friend.)
Don't worry, Kar. Everything will turn out the way it is supposed to! You rock!
ReplyDeleteI have struggled with depression throughout my life, and I'm happy to report that I've been free of it for about two years. I won't go on and on about what works for me, but I do want you to know that I am happy to be of assistance to you if I can be. Please feel free to email me directly to chat. I know reaching out when you're depressed is very hard, but keep blogging (and emailing, making calls) and don't let that darkness blot out too much of your light. I know where you are, my friend. Hang in there. You'll win the battle! : )
ReplyDeleteSending you a big hug, my internet friend! Have a great time with the girls tonight. We're all here for you to vent to.
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry to hear that things are difficult for you right now. I'll be thinking of you, and hoping that the June Gloom passes.
ReplyDeleteI am sorry you are having a difficult time. But just being able to put them into words can mean the beginning of healing for you. I am not going to shoot you some lines like..we cannot have rainbows without the rain, things get bad before they get better blah blah blah .... because you already know all of that. BUT I will say this and I truly believe it....If HE brings you to it, HE will bring you through it. Hang in there my blogging friend !
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry you're having a rough time. I'll be thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteGirl time is the best. It's just what you need right now. Have fun! :)
ReplyDeleteTime is what you need. You will get out of this funk. Stopping by from SITS!
ReplyDeleteKaren, I hope you're back to your usual sun shiney self soon. I'll be thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way. This too shall pass.
ReplyDelete"Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
ReplyDeleteit's about learning how to dance in the rain."
I'm thinking of you Karen. Hoping sunshine heads your way soon. I hope your evening with the girls lifted your spirits:)
ReplyDeleteKaren... I know how you feel because we have all been there. But I want you to know that you deserve much better than what you are being subjected to. Do NOT let that person think for one second that what has occurred is acceptable behavior because it is NOT. It is childish, immature, cruel, and disrespectful. You deserve much better than that and have never treated this person in that manner. Sorry I am being so blunt, but you need to know that you are a special person who does not need to put up with that kind of ridiculous BS.
ReplyDeleteI hate down days! But we all have them----don't despair---there are those out here that are behind you and are delighting in getting to know you!!
ReplyDeleteYou are wonderful, my dear.
When I'm feeling sad, I always thinkg, "Ok, I'll be fine...everything always works out in the end." And usually it does. Keep your head up. Oh, and when I get down, a friend of mine always tells me this...
ReplyDelete"This too shall pass."
Somehow I am missing your posts. Boo. I am sorry that you are having a hard time. I have gone through it and a teeny part of me is always waiting for it to hit again. The blog will help, for sure...but don't forget to ask for help if you need it. You'd be surprised how many people have felt exactly the way you do. Feel better.
ReplyDeleteI have wanted to talk to you for a while; you have seemed different, but I am praying for sun. Don't worry about the woe-is-me stuff; just a human being human.
ReplyDeleteHere's to horribly muggy days!!!