Monday, August 23, 2010

Defriended

Image borrowed from She's in the House.

Recently, I posted a vague, yet pointed remark on Facebook.

It was in response to some breaking political news I caught online, even though my post indicated nothing of the sort.

When one friend asked for more information, I clarified and referenced the issue. I still hadn't said anything of any consequence. I made my position pretty clear, but took care not to say anything that would be construed as offensive, or even mildly snarky.

A second friend piped up to clarify how I had voted on this particular issue. As soon as I confirmed that I'd voted differently than he would have liked, he immediately defriended me.

It was quite a blow, but left me wondering why. It's not like we were particularly close. In fact, I haven't seen the guy in two years and wouldn't know much of anything about his life if not for Facebook. We frequently commented on one another's statuses and he always invited me to attend his latest theater productions, though with my crazy schedule, I never made much of an effort to show up.

In reality, I'm not sure that we were friends anywhere except on Facebook.

So why did I care so much? Why do I still care?

I guess it's really simple.

I don't like double standards.

This friend writes whatever he wants. He doesn't worry about offending or annoying anyone. In fact, he probably assumes everyone agrees with him. I never debated any of the (many) topics on which we (strongly) disagree. I happen to believe everyone is entitled to their own opinion, no matter how wrong it may be.

And yet, I found myself in a situation where I wasn't particularly vocal. I made a tiny, barely noticed comment and was quickly dismissed. Rejected. Defriended.

I actually deleted the entire post and all of the related comments, because I didn't WANT there to be a big, nasty fight with or among my friends.

But still, there was this feeling, even as I deleted it, that this whole situation was so very, very wrong.

I felt like I was dismissed under a false assumption that I'm, somehow, closed-minded. Maybe even intolerant. In fact, the opposite is true.

I've seen this time and again among many different groups. It's counter-intuitive, but there just seems to be this widespread attitude that if you don't agree with me, it's because you're intolerant/bigoted/etc. If I don't agree with you, it's because I'm enlightened.

My solution was to delete the whole thing and pretend I'd never spoken up in the first place. But what did that really accomplish? It seems like we'd all get along better, not by pretending to agree with everyone else, but by assuming no one agrees with us at all and talking about our differences, rather than turning our backs on each other over them.

I wish I'd had the chance to explain my feelings to my friend. To tell him that, even though I didn't support something that he believes in, I DO support his right to believe it. And if I'd had the chance to talk to him before being unceremoniously deleted, I could have confessed that I, myself, was more than a little conflicted about the issue in the first place.

Why are we so reluctant to talk to each other about the things that matter to us?

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Posted by Karen Peterson
This post is: 
at 12:14 PM
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27 comments:

  1. Yeah, FB definitely brings out different sides of "friendships." It's pretty easy to delete someone if you never talk with them or aren't friends in real life. but it definitely doesn't feel the best.

    Plus, FB isn't the best place to have "enlightened" conversations. Technology makes miscommunication so much easier :)
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  2. I've been defriended twice that I know of. It was better that way, because I was thinking of doing it to them anyway, but had chickened out.
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  3. if everyone had respect for eachother, this wouldn't happen. Sad fact is, everyone thinks THEY are right. They feel it in the core of their being. The trick is to allow another person to think differently and to accept it. Some people are there, some aren't. But Karen, if that person befriended you because of what YOU believe in, it's not worth worrying about because if he cannot respect this part of you then how can he respect you at all?

    I try to avoid talking about politics, religion, preferences as much as I can. But if somebody asked me a direct question, I would answer it truthfully. If they don't like it, fine. If they can accept it, good, then we can proceed. If not, then sorry but I am not going to change my mind because YOU want me to. You know what I mean?
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  4. defriended, not befriended, sorry!
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  5. I some times wonder about our society that allows us to be "defriended." We used to just be snitty and not speak again. But officially deleting a person from your list is rather troubling, isn't it.
    Of course, any one who isn't tolerant of your right to believe what you wish isn't really a friend, but I know it still stings. I am your friend here on the blog. So hope that helps.
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  6. I had a friend like that and man, I don't miss her one bit. We actually did have the huge argument though and I'm one who ended it when I couldn't take her attitude anymore. The funny thing is, and I don't know if your facebook friend is this way or not, but she thought she was soooo open minded...she was only if you agreed with her! It sucks, but I'm betting you're better off without this person.
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  7. I think of most of the people as acquantances...not REAL friends...
    Real friends would feel the same way you do...it is ok to disagree.
    Acquantances, well you know what they will do.
    Do not worry.
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  8. I'm sorry... It is an odd feeling. Eh? I have a REALATIVE that defriended me and won't enlighten me as to why... and DOESN'T TALK to me anymore. I sent her a message asking if I'd said or done something to offend her. NO response. Hmmm... I guess I CAN be rather offensive... WHATEVER!! ;p I don't recall going off on any poltical tangents on her page. (I think I may have on yours on occasion... sorry...) LOL!! Maybe it's because I'm not so UBER athletic as she is?? Oh well... I don't know why it bothers me so much, either... I guess it's the not knowing WHY... and to think how childish that they can't just communicate a difference rather than deny you EXIST. (((HUGS)))
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  9. Sorry it bothered you.....it just shows a lack of tolerance on his part and/or a fear that his own opinions are incorrect. You can always send him a message through Facebook, friend or not. It might help you and him to feel better.
    Hope you're doing spectacularly well! Love, your after-YW-Taco date :)
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  10. With this digital world we live in, it's hard to convey emotion. Just about everything I wright on Face Book I do so in a neutral or positive outlook. I'm also very factual. Though when it comes to text based communication I find people read with whatever emotion that is most available to them at that time. I also find that people think your lying when you put a smiley face. So if I where to type, "I had an awesome day with John Smith. :)" Some people might read it like, "God, if I have to spend one more day with that John Smith. I'm just going to have to kill him. >:(" Well, that was kind of an extreme example, but I hope you get my point.

    I think I know who your talking about, and trust me. I can relate. Only advice I can offer. That is if your even looking for advice. Is to move on. Don't let something like this get under your skin. Some people just have a darker outlook on life then others. You just stay sunny, okay. :D
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  11. When I first saw this link on facebook I thought it was because Shawna said she was de-friending you because you aren't into Finick. Lol:-) Probably because I had just read that comment then saw your post.

    Anyway. I think I remember the post that you are talking about (I may have actually been one of the commenters?)and it is pretty ridiculous to defriend someone because of something like that. Well, I've learned it's always best to just be your self and if someone decided that they don't want to be a part of your life for that then there is really nothing that you can say or do about it. Love you Karen!
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  12. Hey now! Defriending is still on the table for Karen because a.) she refuses to acknowledge the hotness that is Finnick and b.) she has the audacity to suggest that Jacob was the better choice for Bella. Now, I'm all for tolerance, respect for others opinions and open-mindedness...BUT there are some situations where there is CLEARLY a right and a wrong!!!! Who freaking cares about politics when we can't even get people to see reason when it comes to fictional characters' imaginary love lives!!!



    p.s. Karen, I love you.
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  13. I was defriended when the political issue in question was first on the ballot. Because I discussed how conflicted I felt on my blog, a certain person in my ward defriended me and then went to the Bishop tattling that I had written about the issue and that obviously I had problems following the prophet.

    I so agree with you on the point in your post. I've been there. Though since I am on the other side of the political spectrum, I'm not accused of being intolerant and bigoted, I'm accused of being too obsessed with political correctness that I betray my Christian values. That I am Godless. "So open minded my brains have fallen out." I hear this from members of my own family. It hurts. So I avoid talking about political issues, even when I have strong feelings. I don't see it as shying away from taking about something that's important to me so much as it's just choosing my battles. What they have to say isn't going to change my mind. What I have to say probably won't change theirs. No point in butting heads about it.
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  14. I've actually wondered about this; would someone know if I defriended them? (mostly because some of my "friends" are actually my little sister's friends, and cluttering up my facebook with their teenage angst.)

    I'm always surprised at people's reactions to anything that is political or religious in nature. People I'm friends with make strong comments that I completely disagree with (both on Facebook and in real life) and I usually keep my mouth shut. Because I don't want to offend people, or rather, have them think I was trying to offend them. But it sucks. What I really want is to have conversations about those things. How are we ever going to get anywhere if the only people we can talk to about hot issues are the people who already agree with us?
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  15. This is another reason why I have a love/hate relationship with FB. It's so easy to hurt others feelings without even realizing it. For example, I posted as a status that I lost all my phone numbers and requested people to call me or text me and not one person sent me their number. I was instantly offended that no one ever wanted to talk to me again. Then I got over it and realized a lot of people probably just didn't see my plea of desperation to feel connected. But, you can always find him and shoot him an email..unless you're like my "friend" handsome rob that somehow completely blocked me or something, not that I was hurt by that...absolutely not.
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  16. I had a similar discussion with R the other day, about why I do not often share my political/religious views. Like my own family don't know how I vote (and they vote the opposite, mostly).

    I really think that the reason I just don't share my opinions is because I don't want to start an argument. I'm not interested in trying to explain myself or convince anyone else to feel the way I feel. And I certainly don't want them to try to pursuade me!

    Most of what I believe is just something I feel inside. It's not something I can explain to someone else or reason with someone on.
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  17. You know what, his loss, IMO. I'm not trying to downplay your feelings or anything so I hope I'm not coming across like that. But when someone defriends you on FB simply because they don't like how you vote or your opinion on something, they were never truly your friend in the first place. I know it hurts and I know it sucks to not have a full understanding of it, without even so much as a civil conversation to clear the air. But we should accept our friends for everything...whether we agree or not. The whole point is to just agree to disagree. If we were all the same 100% just think how boring life would be.
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  18. On a side note, the kids have been wanting to see Cats and Dogs and after reading your opinion on it, I told them we can wait until it comes out on DVD. So far, they're cool with it, especially when I told Bella, "Remember my friend Karen that we saw down at Disneyland? Well, she is a huge movie fanatic and she didn't think it was really that great so we shouldn't waste our money on it" and she was like "Okay...Mommy, when can we go back to Disneyland and see Karen again?"
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  19. I've decided that Facebook sucks.

    People are way too mean on Facebook.

    Jerks.
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  20. This is on my list of potential blog topics. A couple of months ago, I had a couple of friends get into a FB spat over the BP oil spill - it ended with one asking the other why he hated America and then she posted a status update on her wall about how good it felt to defriend the expletive deleted. She forgot that her wall allowed "friends of friends" to post, so he commented on her status. I'm sure she was mortified, as well she should have been.

    I've been defriended by a couple of people - the one that bothered me the most is the pseudo-relative I have to sit across from at Thanksgiving. I suspect it was my position on health-care reform, but I haven't come up with the courage to ask, "Could you pass the butter, and oh, by the way, why did you defriend me?"
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  21. I'm an opinionated person but if someone doesn't agree with me, I don't get all bent out of shape and unfriend/delete/ignore the person. That's childish.

    On the other hand, I've removed myself from someone's blog because I didn't like his attitude. That's something different (at least in MY mind). lol!
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  22. If he's happy to be blatantly offensive and he's going to get upset because you happen to disagree with him, he's probably better off not being your Facebook friend anyway.

    People who take stuff too seriously get so upset at the smallest status and end up upsetting and bringing down everyone.
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  23. When I was new in Tallahassee and trying to make new friends, I joined a Meetup.com group that was basically for women to meet women.

    The woman who runs it is quite liberal, and while I don't agree with her politically, I can put that aside and did. In fact, I never revealed my political opinions to her at all.

    Anyway, the whole premise of the group was that she wanted members who were open-minded. A few months ago, she decided she wasn't getting what she wanted out of the group and kicked a bunch of people out (decided you had to be older than 35 to join, for one thing) and then posted this whole long thing about how open-minded she was and about how the group wasn't about judging, blah, blah, blah. THEN, she stipulated that if you wanted to join, you had to agree with her politics 100%.

    But you have to be open-minded ...

    (I hate double standards, too.)
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  24. I think we're hesitant to talk about stuff like that because you never know who will choose to 'defriend' you over the matter. I'm not a very confrontational person unless I really feel a need to speak up, so I choose to keep the peace way too often. I think I should probably speak up more. Those people who are meant to be my friends for the long term will be, and those who want to dump me because they can't accept a view different form there's will most likely fade away. I'm getting better at being ok with this.
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  25. I wouldn't take it too seriously. Sounds like there wasn't an actual friendship to be lost anyway.

    There have been many divisive topics lately. And I have to admit that I have seen some things said online that have made me really wonder how well I actually know some people.

    I'm very willing and open to different people of different backgrounds standing at different places on the social and political spectrum. I'm also very happy to see disagreement because it means people are talking and the only way we make progress is to talk, educate, and share.

    I didn't defriend anyone in the recent drama I've seen. I did hide at least one person and I did have to sit on my hands to keep opinions to myself rather than engaging in a pointless battle with people I don't even know.

    Sometimes, an issue that you have an opinion about but maybe don't feel as passionately about as someone else... well, maybe it's the kind of issue that for THEM is an eye opener, a spotlight shiner, the straw on that camel's back. You know?

    Or maybe he was just mad that you'd never come to a theatre performance... LOL!
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  26. Yeah, that's kind of lame sauce. Obviously, he took the issue very seriously (I bet I know what it was) but . . . I don't know. Maybe he was bothered enough to defriend you but didn't feel you had a strong enough friendship that it was worth the stress of discussing it. Sorry it happened! I try to keep my FB space a politically neutral zone and I hide the feeds of friends who don't do the same.
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  27. I know just what you mean. And that is why I post stupid inconsequential stuff on facebook! I delete anything confrontational so facebook can be my happy place! It would be easier if we could just all talk things out though.
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"You know what they say. If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

~Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias

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