Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Karen's Blog Awards 2011
It was so obvious that I can't believe I didn't think of it myself.
Jennee asked me yesterday if I was going to be announcing the winners as I do every award show. In play-by-play format.
Honestly, it hadn't even occurred to me. But I have a bit of a reputation to uphold, and I pretty much had to. So, like any other award show, I invited all your favorite celebrities to come and present our very first Blog Awards.
They all turned me down.
So I called upon a few less famous friends for help. And now, on with the show!
Oh, but before we get to that, I wanted to let you know that you are ALL winners and yada yada yada. Thank you to everyone who was part of this process at every stage. I did not choose the winners. You did. Also, there are awards for ALL nominees (semi-finalists included) and awards for the winners. I'm not going to track you down to give you your award. If you want it, email me (apeekatkarensworld(at)gmail(dot)com) with your blog name and category and I'll get you the appropriate award.
Okay?
Now, for reals, ON WITH THE SHOW!
6:02pm--There's a brilliant song and dance number sung by our host for this evening, Karen Peterson. There has never been a musical spectacular like it in all the Blog World. Everyone in the audience jumps to the their feet in a standing ovation before she's evening finished. Amazing. Simply amazing.
6:17pm--Karen looks stunning in a gorgeous, flaming orange gown and the most beautiful shoes ever. Who is her designer?? She does a hilarious monologue about all the talented bloggers that weren't nominated, and all the nominees that won't win.
6:25pm--Our first presenters tonight are the girl who played the middle daughter on Charles in Charge and Wesley from Mr. Belvedere. They're presenting the award for Favorite New Blog.
6:27pm--Their banter is really awkward. Someone needs to take the microphone away.
6:31pm--And the winner is: Just a Chick in a Chair!
6:32pm--So Cal Gal wheels up onto the stage looking fabulous in black. She gives a delightful acceptance speech and thanks the people that forced her to give up her old blog and start a new one in 2011, without whom, this award would not have been possible.
6:38pm--Karen is back after her first costume change. Now she's in this weird green dress that looks like weeds. She tells a joke about 80s television shows, but it falls flat because no one seems to remember Kate and Allie.
6:40pm--The next presenter is David Gould, the very first person ever fired on The Apprentice. He's here to present the award for Best Kept Secret.
6:41pm--He is surprisingly funny and tells all kinds of jokes about Donald Trump's hair. The audience loves him.
6:44pm--And the winner is--Oh, wait! It's a TIE! The Best Kept Secret awards go to: Barlow Stars and (Not) So Single!
6:45pm--Stephanie and The Mrs. race to the stage. Stephanie sticks out a foot and tries to trip The Mrs., but she jumps right over and gets to the microphone first, smiling like nothing ever happened. She mostly wants to thank her husband, but then Stephanie grabs the microphone and starts comparing life to an episode of the Muppets.
6:58pm--The dog from How the Grinch Stole Christmas introduces the first of the Favorite Blog of the Year nominees: And Then She Was Like Blah, Blah, Blah.
7:03pm--Karen comes back after another costume change. This time she looks like she's on fire. I think she's trying to channel Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games. We'll have to wait for the movie to know for sure, but I'm thinking Katniss wore it best.
7:05pm--And to present the award for Favorite Pee-in-Your-Pants Funny Blog is...Ben Stein.
7:06pm--He doesn't tell any jokes. Just gets right to the winner which is: Thee Bergdorf Brunette!
7:07pm--Jessica does the parade wave as she approaches the stage, then thanks everyone she's ever met in her entire life, but most especially Katy Perry.
7:14pm--Tyler Bunch, who recently played Foozie the Moopet, presents the next Favorite Blog of the Year nominee: Barlow Stars.
7:19pm--Next there is a big musical montage of auto-play songs found throughout the blog world. It's super loud and sounds like a big old mess.
7:34pm--Karen, now wearing a much simpler blue gown presents the next award herself: Favorite Inspirational Blog.
7:36pm--The winner is: Gitzen Girl. Sadly, Sara could not be here tonight because she passed away in September. But her sister is here to accept the award on her behalf.
7:41pm--Next, Karen introduces The Nephew, who just stands on stage and looks adorable for ten minutes.
7:51pm--To present the award for Favorite Blog by a Parent are Kate Goslin and Nadya Suleman, who banter about how much they appreciate all the people who raise their children for them.
7:56pm--Kate shoves Nadya off the stage and announces the winner: I'm Living Proof that God Has a Sense of Humor!
7:57pm--Helene is on her feet, but her kids jump up onto the stage before she gets there. Landon and Garrett fight over who gets to talk into the microphone while Cole makes funny faces into the nearest camera and Bella twirls her pink sparkly dress. Helene finally gets to the stage and thanks everyone for laughing with her instead of at her.
8:09pm--The next presenter is the narcoleptic customer from that episode of Punky Brewster where Cherry and Punky think they killed a guy. He's presenting the next nominee for Favorite Blog of the Year: Sleep Talkin' Man!
8:13pm--There's a song and dance number featuring rejected American Idol contestants. Simon appears from backstage and tells them they are all terrible and need to go home. The audience boos Simon.
8:25pm--Karen appears in some sort of weird dress that sort of looks like a wedding dress and starts singing "All the Single Ladies." Then she announces the presenters for Favorite Single's Blog: Jake Pavelka and Vienna Girardi.
8:36pm--After a few minutes of bickering and agreeing that it really was better for the entire world that they broke up, Vienna starts to open the envelope but Jake accidentally knocks it out of her hand. She gets mad and then they make out. And then Ben, the next Bachelor runs onto the stage and announces that the winner is: Thee Bergdorf Brunette!
8:38pm--Jessica sidesteps the very distracted Jake and Vienna and thanks everyone for the second award, especially her BFF, Katy Perry.
8:44pm--Karen comes back onto the stage dressed as William Shakespeare and does a dramatic reading of a excerpts from novels published by bloggers in 2011.
9:37pm--Stephenie Meyer presents the award for Favorite Blog About Writing to: I can't believe it! We have another tie! The winners are Alex J. Cavanaugh and The Serial Killer Files!
9:39pm--Alex and Jennifer are both ridiculously polite, each trying to insist that the other speak first. They finally settle on thanking their fans together.
9:42pm--Karen has switched from gowns to pants and is now in a bright yellow suit. She announces Copernicus the homicidal monkey, who introduces the next nominee for Favorite Blog of the Year: The Bloggess!
9:47pm--To present the award for Favorite Crafty-Type Blog is Martha Stewart. As she walks onto the stage, the entire set instantly becomes more festive.
9:50pm--The award for Favorite Crafty-Type Blog goes to: The Complete Guide to Imperfect Homemaking!
9:51pm--Kelly walks onto the stage in a beautiful gown, takes one look at her award and instantly changes it to teal. Then she wishes everyone a very crafty Christmas.
9:57pm--Karen comes back out. She's now ditched the suit and is wearing jeans and a sweater. And she introduces the next presenter, Michael Emerson, who presents the award for Favorite "Other" Blog. How a propos.
10:00pm--Michael Emerson reminisces about his days as an Other and then he calls out the Smoke Monster to frighten away the nominees. The last one standing is our winner: Blondesense and Nonsense!
10:02pm--Shawna, looking fabulous, expresses her gratitude for the award, for everyone who voted, and most especially that her baby didn't have a blow out all over her dress.
10:06pm--Gordon Ramsey introduces the final nominee for Favorite Blog of the Year, The Pioneer Woman Cooks! Most of his remarks have to be edited for content.
10:11pm--There is another musical montage of all the year's nominated posts. Things are a little awkward when they attempt to find rhyming words for parts of The Bloggess's post, "Knock Knock Mother F-----."
10:25pm--Karen introduces Lindsay Lohan and Miley Cyrus. They are presenting the award for Most Inspiring Post.
10:29pm--Lindsay chews on her fingernails while Miley sings her jokes and laughs a lot. Annoyed, Lindsay grabs the envelope and announces that the award goes to Our Lovely Life for the post, "I Will and I Can."
10:42pm--Realizing the show is running long, Karen says that the next presenter picked the wrong time to run to the bathroom, so she's just going to present the award for Funniest Post.
10:43pm--The winner is The Bloggess for her post "Knock Knock Mother Fu---- Revisited." Unfortunately, she seems to have left the room and so the award is accepted on her behalf by Beyoncé, the Giant Metal Chicken.
10:48pm--Presenting the award for Most Helpful Post is the guy who invented the Demotivational Posters.
10:49pm--He says awards are for people who can't think of better ways to get attention. He looks pointedly at Karen as he says this. And then he announces that the award goes to I'm Living Proof that God Has a Sense of Humor for the post, "What I wish someone had told me about marriage."
10:51pm--Helene comes back to the stage and says that she is grateful to win this award, and also that her children have bedtimes.
10:54pm--To present the award for Most Thought-Provoking Post is Jack Handey.
11:01pm--After sharing some Deep Thoughts about winning, and also about swashbuckling, he announces that the winner is Emily's Thought Blog, for the post "Monday Means 'What the...'"!
11:03pm--Emily thanks everyone for their votes and publicly calls on Arby's to pull their terrible commercial and make a formal apology.
11:14pm--Karen, now in pajamas and yawning comes back to the mike to personally announce the Favorite Blog of the Year.
11:15pm--The winner is And Then She Was Like Blah Blah Blah!
11:16pm--The music starts playing as Ru is trying to give her acceptance speech. Karen apologizes for letting the show run over and begs everyone to come back next year!
11:18pm--And that's our show, my friends! I hope you enjoyed it as much as I did. Though I doubt that very much.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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This is the coolest post ever! You are so clever. And that you all soooo much for the shared honor!
ReplyDelete♥ theMRS.
That went past my bedtime but it was well worth it. Congratulations to all the winners.
ReplyDeleteLee
On 12/12—Blogging advice from a blogging expert (no it’s not me)
Tossing It Out
I can see me doing that!
ReplyDeleteThat is really cool. Thanks so much, Karen. And liked your play-by-play of the awards. At least twenty minutes shorter than the Oscars!
Awesomest awards show ever! Isn't my dress pretty? And to tie with Alex - WOW!
ReplyDeleteThanks so much, Karen. This was so much fun, and you are super amazing cool for doing this! And thanks to everyone who voted!
Congratulations to all the winners!
Hahaha! Great post!
ReplyDeleteAnd I won! I WON!!! I gave the speech in true "me" fashion...filled with sarcasm (and totally insincere).
Thank you SO much, Karen, for giving me this opportunity. To read other wonderful blogs and promote myself, uhh, I mean my blog.
Thats was a FABULOUS awards show! Very well put on. Congrats to all the winners! =O}
ReplyDeleteAll worthy winners!
ReplyDeleteHaha, wonderful presentation! I definitely preferred this over the Oscars. :) Congrats to all the winners!
ReplyDeleteBahaha! You know me so well!
ReplyDeleteYay! Congrats to the winners. And I say this with all sincerity and not an ounce of bitterness, but it was a pleasure just to be nominated.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad you did a play-by-play! I could see the whole show so clearly and the speeches matched everyone's blog personalities! Loved it! Can't wait for next year...but can anyone top you as a host? lol (Loved the dance number!)
ReplyDeleteI LOVE, LOVE, LOVE the way you wrote this! Hilarious. Love.
ReplyDeleteThough it was obviously rigged.
But still, great post. ;-)
Crud...I missed the awards ceremony?
ReplyDeleteWell, maybe it's for the best. I was really hoping for Jessica Alba to be there.
I've always loved your blow-by-blow details of awards shows but this takes the cake...LOVED it!! So creative, although I'm a little disappointed that it was Kate Gosselin who announced my award for parenting blog...hahahaha! Why not Angelina Jolie...or maybe she was unavailable because she's off adopting another child or two. Yeah, that's it.
ReplyDeleteOh, and you totally had my kids pegged because you know that's EXACTLY what they would do in a situation like this!
Anyway, thank you Karen! You don't know how badly I needed to smile (and to laugh) tonight and you did it for me, my friend. You never disappoint! And it's an honor to receive the award!
This is AWESOME! I can't think of a better, more Kareny way to do announce the winners! (And Kareny should be 2011 word of the year.)
ReplyDeleteThis was hilarious. It made it easier to smile and clap respectfully when my name wasn't announced as the winner. After all, I know the cameras are on me, secretly hoping for a bitchy look on my face. ;)
ReplyDeleteP.S. I just referenced Kate and Allie yesterday and my coworker told me I was dating myself. HA!
Too bad Ben Stein spared us of his comedic routine... Am I the only one who finds him extremely witty??
ReplyDeleteAnyway, this was hysterical. Loved everything about your awards gala. I'm so happy I remembered to don heels for the occasion (okay, I'm lying. I'm actually wearing sneakers and legwarmers. But I am wearing a skirt, so I kinda look dressed up, right??).
Congrats to all the winners!!!
Awesome and creative. Love it. Reminds me of this Muppet and Simpsons episode when...
ReplyDeleteAwesome and creative. Love it. In fact, it reminds me of this Muppet and Simpson's episode when...
ReplyDeleteEEK!!! This is so exciting! Thanks for putting this on and for thee FABULOUS way of presenting the winners. I would also like to thank Katy Perry...duh.
ReplyDeleteI was so happy to see that Beyonce arrived to accept the award..it would have just been disappointing had she not arrived! Kudos to Emily and boo to Arby's!
ReplyDeleteLoved your post, Karen. Congratulations to all the winners.
ReplyDeleteThanks again for doing this Karen and for bringing some attention to my humble little blog. Love ya!
ReplyDeleteCongrats to all the winners and this was a great idea Karen. What a great way to introduce us to some new blogs!
ReplyDeleteSqueal! Someone I nominated won! I'm glad I was able to pass on some bloggy love!
ReplyDeleteHahaha, this is so funny! And I'm so glad I won :) Thanks Karen!
ReplyDeleteThat was awesome... and the winners of course deserved to win. Glad no one noticed that I was bitching and complaining about not winning until the camera around to me... then of course I smiled, clapped, and nodded my head in knowing approval.
ReplyDeleteThanks Karen...
Now I know what all the Oscar losers mean when they say that it was a thrill just to be nominated. It's true! Thanks for adding Book Dirt to the mix, and thanks to everyone who took a peek at my blog thanks to your nomination.
ReplyDeleteYAY! I just gave my acceptance speech to myself...and my don't I feel fabulous!
ReplyDelete