Tuesday, December 20, 2011
"Tradition is the illusion of permanence." -Woody Allen
But I loved that Nativity scene and all our traditions so much that I made my mom repeat the story every Christmas Eve until I was well into high school and she decided I was old enough to do it myself. It was never the same when I told it.
We had a lot of holiday traditions in our house. Decorating cookies. Trimming the tree--always real, never artificial. Hanging our stockings by the chimney with care. Creeping down the hall on Christmas morning to retrieve our overflowing stockings and taking them into our parents' room to open them while Mom and Dad slowly became conscious and ready to face our excitement.
Those traditions have faded now. Alive and well in my rose-colored memory, but dimming ever so slightly with each passing year.
I hadn't thought much about it until recently when I started seeing elves appear on the shelves of many of my friends and Facebook buddies. And then last week I read this post by Colleen about Christmas traditions. I've read plenty of others, but hers was the one that did it.
Everything was fine. I was enjoying the all-too-quickly approaching holiday. Preparing for parties and planning the gifts I couldn't wait to share with people I love. Deciding which cookies to make for my co-workers and friends.
Everything is no longer fine.
I can't stop thinking about those traditions from my childhood. The ones I always dreamed of sharing one day. Of passing on.
The traditions that are forever committed to my memory because I have no one to continue them with.
There will be no ears listening in rapt attention as I share the story of Jesus's birth. No padding of tiny feet as children come bounding into my bedroom, full of eagerness as they describe the bounty that Santa delivered.
I'm not alone at Christmas. I know I will never need to be alone at Christmas. But everything is changing around me and it becomes more apparent with each passing year.
I used to put on blinders so that I could get through the holiday without lamenting the fact that there was no special someone to shop for. No one to walk with hand-in-hand on a tour through Christmas light displays. No date to the parties and to the family dinner.
And I could handle that. Surviving the holidays as a single person isn't that hard. I'm used to it. I've done it for years.
But this. I was blindsided by this.
Because, for the first time, I've started to realize what being single at Christmas really means.
It means there will be no elves on my shelf. That there will be no one to brag about in the annual letter. No waiting in long lines to pay for a blurry, over-priced photo of crying children sitting upon the knee of a slightly creepy stranger. No one fighting as we try to take the annual Christmas card photo. And it means that when and where I see my family will always depend on the schedules of those with children and in-laws.
There's been no shopping. No baking of goodies. No interest in the Christmas parties. The spirit of the season has fled.
I love Christmas. It really is my most favorite time of year.
I'm just going to have to find a new way to appreciate it now.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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Oh Karen. I'm sorry you're feeling sad. I wish I could make it better somehow. You could always put energy into charity work. I used to volunteer at a shelter for children who had been removed from abusive homes. They need so much love and attention. They want someone to be kind and dote on them and buy them elves. ...Just an idea.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing person with a wonderful outlook on life. You have a lot of good to offer this world. Chin up, my friend.
Merry Christmas.
Oh, Karen. What a rough start to the holiday. Here's hoping a little joy and some new traditions creep in to make this holiday brighter for you. I know this can't be easy but as my mom always reminds me "this too shall pass". I know you'll find an amazing way to face this because you are that smart and caring. I'm sorry you have to though,..
ReplyDeleteMerry Christmas.
Dear Karen. I sense the heartache in the words you write. This will be my 3rd. Christmas since my separation from a 25 year relationship. I'm not going to attempt to conjure some pearls of wisdom or provide advice in relation to how we best manage what in many ways can be a very lonely and difficult time. What I can say is although my circumstances are different - the emotions you conveyed in your post grabbed at the fibres of my heart. Sometimes people say that it's cold comfort for change; however; I find something strangely reassuring about the simple fact that others relate to how I feel; even if it's not exactly the same - (for how could it be). In some ways I find myself wishing for what I have not - and yet on reflection; how grateful I should be for the simple things all around me that makes my life special in its own way. I hope this doesn't sound trite or that I am minimising the challenges that this time of year can bring to many of us. Just know that there are many of us out there who really do understand and identify with what you are saying/feeling - and that we can be a silent (but very real) support and strength for one another. May this Christmas bring blessings to you that you have never imagined.
ReplyDeleteI find the Christmas spirit when we get my niece and watch her find that hope and excitement. The older I get, the harder it is for me to find that magical hope when I don't have anyone to share it with, either. If you think of any good traditions, let me know! I'm right there with you friend.
ReplyDelete"Hope does not disappoint us because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." -Romans 5:5
That's my verse for the season, to hope to have hope and love. :)
Booo for being alone. I will post something on your FB wall, to cheer you up.
ReplyDeleteOh, sad. You and I were on similar wavelengths last night, I guess. I know that I am so very lucky to have my children. I am sorry that you are feeling emptiness this time of year. Virtual hugs.
ReplyDeleteOh Karen! So sorry girl! You should've come to the Christmas party last night. Me, Rachel, and Ann were all dateless.
ReplyDeleteOh Karen. This makes my heart ache. And for me, the hardest part, is that I don't have anything wonderful to say to make it better. Except that the longer we wait for things, the more we appreciate them when we get them.
ReplyDeleteKaren, I'm so sorry it's so hard. Honestly, I have no idea what to say to make you feel better - I kind of think there are no words to say to make you feel better anyway - but I want you to know that we love you so so so much! And even when you're sad we're still here for you and want you to be apart of our families!!!!!
ReplyDeleteKaren, we love you. I mean that sincerely. You are amazing and beautiful. I know exactly how you feel, being single during the holidays. There's nothing really to say that will make it better or change anything, which is one of the hardest things about it. But I understand, and you are important to us, your readers. Keep being you, keep writing, keep bringing us words and happiness and other awesomeness. You are beautiful.
ReplyDeleteSarah Allen
(my creative writing blog)
I can't just read this and not say something.
ReplyDeleteBeing single at the holidays sucks, many of us have felt your pain. I've been there done that. It's that much harder when all your friends are married and most are pregnant or trying to get pregnant.
First your my friend your family. Come join us, help out with what were working on. Come help with dinner so A. you eat and B. your learn some cool stuff for your formal party your hosting next year. I could have really used your help last night wrapping gifts. You could show me how to make your awesome bow thingy's. Locking yourself away isn't helping the situation.
I've said this before and I know it's not what one may want to hear but you really need to find some peers. I'm in no way saying abandon your friends nor am I saying leave the ward. Just find some women in the same boat. The pain won't go totally away however it will dull it some and make it more tolerable. I, as will a number of your other friends, will go with you.. introduce you... but here's the catch you have to ask us.
Lastly.. I know I may get slapped for this one however I feel it needs to be said. Let's change your situation or at least die trying. Perhaps and this is just a suggestion, perhaps you should add dating to your 2012 project 52 list. YES dating sucks, yes it blows goats... been there done that. However one has to date in order to marry. Again I, as will others, would be happy to go with you to introduce you again the catch is you have to ask us. I'm not saying run out and marry the first penis you find, cuz there are some not so great people out there as you've experienced. But at least you could say you tried. That whenever you do met the love of your life you will know you gave it your all trying to find him. Instead of getting to the other side and saying sorry I opted to not put out the effort.
Hopefully were still friends after this, the truth hurts sometimes and I mean this with only the best intentions. Again I and a number of other folks are willing to help you be it cry, laugh, go with you, set you up.. whatever you like just ask us. We love you and want you to be happy. I for one am willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.
This almost made me cry. I don't really know what to say, and I don't think there's anything I could say that would really, truly help.
ReplyDeleteI've actually been where you are, and I've had that holiday where I just felt disconnected from all the traditions. I've suddenly turned, in a heartbeat, from loving the holiday merriment to feeling more alone than I really ever had.
And so reading your post makes me want to cry. And it makes me want to make it better for you. Which of course, I can't do.
What I can do is point out that you WILL have those traditions in the future. And now is a time to focus on all the joys you would have to give up to have those traditions.
What makes the holidays so sad sometimes - I think - is that our ideas of the "ideal" holiday or of classic traditions are SO SET, so inflexible. They are focused on this one particular type of family arrangement and this one particular phase in life. But that isn't EVERYTHING. It's just the portrayal.
The only suggestion that springs to mind, and take it or leave it as you will, is that you have SO MUCH potential for sharing joy. You just need an outlet. That outlet doesn't have to be a postcard family. There are homeless shelters and giving trees, and soup kitchens, and nursing homes, and a million other places I can't even think of, where you can be with people and truly share the meaning of the season and truly share the joy, even if it's not the Saturday Evening Post.
Maybe it should be.
K-Lo, I love you.
ReplyDeleteYour friendship means the world to me.
I hope you can find peace within yourself during this difficult time.
But in the meantime, think about times like this...
"Well...I have tape?"
"I haven't had BP since the last time I had BP."
"I don't know where, but I know he lives.....somewhere."
Oh Karen, you write this as if the way things are right now is the way they'll always be and that just isn't so! But at this precious time of year, I do understand how it would be more difficult, and I'm so sorry!
ReplyDeleteHi Karen,
ReplyDeleteI've been reading your blog for quite a while and I'm amazed at how positive you usually sound. Reading this post makes you so much more real in my mind.
I have been fighting the Christmas blues for years now. My husband left when I had 3 small children. The first years I mostly felt lonely for an adult in my life. Then as the kids became teenagers, they started staying with their dad more and more and I felt like my life was falling apart. Not only the man I truly loved, but my own children were abandoning me.
I start getting a sick stomach about the holidays in October now.
It's true... being a single LDS woman over 25 means you have some sort of desease. Now I'm single at 46 and feel like a leper. People keep telling me that things will change but I don't see any sign of that happening. I have tried dating...not fun...but I know it's my only chance to find love.
Good wishes to you,
Colleen
Hi Karen. I don't know if this helps, but it's something I heard when I was single and it made me smile. So here goes:
ReplyDeleteWomen tend to marry up. Socially, financially, intellectually, they tend to choose men who are, even if only slightly, superior to them on at least one of these factors. Men try to marry down - can't have a wife who betters them.
So if you project this, an old bachelor really is the bottom of the barrel. He couldn't find a partner who was his inferior in any way.
On the other hand, a woman who's never married/ partnered is the cream of the crop. No mere man could be her better.
i have no kids or hub either, and take delight with my nephews.
ReplyDeleteI am not much of a commenter (is that a word, it is now), but I did want to let you know that I love you and am grateful that you are apart of my family. I appreciate your positive note at the end of your post in saying that you will find a new way to appreciate this season. I do agree with Liz in saying "you write this as if the way things are right now is the way they'll always be and that just isn't so!" Maybe you have reasons for believing it will always be that way that I am not aware of and may never be aware of or even understand. But I for one am the kind of person that believes it is up to every individual to decide how they are going to react and proceed with whatever is thrown at them. Things don't have to be one way forever, change is constant. If I am missing your point I am sorry. You are an awesome strong person and I am sorry you are hurting and I wish my hugs would make it all go away. I know you will rock and succeed at whatever you decide to do and that you will find true happiness in whatever that may be. Know that no matter what I am always here for you in anyway shape or form. ALWAYS!
ReplyDeleteI can't even explain it, but... this one has me crying. All I can say is I so feel you on this Karen. I wish I didn't. More than anything, I wish I didn't. But... I do. And I'm sorry you're there too.
ReplyDeleteAwwwwww, Karen. *HUGS*
ReplyDeletePlease believe me when I say this: I totally know what you're going through. I have spent so many holidays alone and have attended so many weddings with girlfriends that I also learned to create a new happy over the years. This time of year in particular always makes me a bit pensive, too. But don't allow the season to pass you by without doing something to celebrate. I always found that going out with some single friends or to the movies with my parents when I was in town was a good way to get my mind off of things. I'm glad you're learning new ways of looking at this season.
And you know I am always here whenever you want to vent about boys :)
XOXO
My best friend is going to be without a husband or man by her side this Christmas for the first time in 14 years. I keep telling her it'll be ok. Be patient. Things will turn around. I feel like an ass when I say it, but what else can I say? I know it sucks. Watch lots of stupid, funny Christmas movies. It has to help a little. :)
ReplyDeleteI normally don't read through other comments but what Liz wrote is exactly what I was thinking. Things may not always be like this...next Christmas is almost 365 days away. So much can happen during that time...you just never know what life will have in store for you.
ReplyDeleteWith that said, I do understand completely where you're coming from. You're in the here and now and it hurts right now. I get that. I just hope that you feel all the love and support coming your way. You are a very special lady and very deserving of sharing your life with someone who can delight in all the traditions you wish to share.