Monday, January 30, 2012
If There Was One Phrase I Could Eliminate from the English Language...
I'm tired, people.
Freaking tired.
I am so tired that I can't actually remember what it feels like to NOT be tired.
I haven't slept in a really long time. I say it's been weeks, but really, it's been more like years.
The same thing happens nearly every night. Evening comes. Drowsiness comes. My bed beckons. It welcomes me. It's such a nice bed. The nicest bed I've ever owned. So soft and perfect. The sheets are comfortable. The blankets are warm, but not too hot. And my pillows? I have fabulous pillows.
I bought the bed five years ago, after decades of sleeping on one monstrosity after another.
(It spent two sad and lonely years in storage, so it's really like I've only had it for three.)
The first night I slept on that beautiful pillow-top mattress, I fell in love.
The problem is definitely NOT with the bed.
No, unfortunately, the problem is all me.
The very moment I lay down and close my eyes, my brain goes into overdrive. Remembering today. All the conversations I had. Work left undone. Bills I forgot to pay. Phone calls I was supposed to make and didn't get to. Phone calls I DID make and wish I hadn't. And then I think about tomorrow. What time I have to get up. What I'm going to wear. Do I need to stop in the morning to put gas in the car? What meetings and appointments do I have going on?
It's not like I have an Important Job.
I mean, what I do matters. And whether I show up determines the kind of day a lot of other people are going to have.
(Just to get that straight. Because I'd really like to keep being employed and I am in no way implying that my job is unnecessary.)
It's just not an Important Job. Like, I don't have a secretary.
In fact. I'm not even a secretary.
They get paid more than I do.
I don't have anyone counting on me to put dinner on the table at night, or even to get home every night.
(Of course my roommates notice when I don't show up. But I think you know what I mean.)
The point is, by all accounts, there's no reason for this sleeplessness that has plagued me for way too long. Mine should be the blissful, restful slumber that others envy.
But no.
Not me.
Nope. Instead, I toss and turn and beg the clock to stop marching on toward waking up time. Begging my mind to please turn off and go to sleep already. Spending entire days in a fog of half understood conversations, and searching my mind for facts that should occur to me as easily as my own name.
It's been this way for a long time.
Off and on, of course.
But mostly on for the past two months or so.
And every time someone dares to tell me that I don't understand what it's like to be tired because I don't have kids?
It kind of makes me want to punch them in the head.
Because there doesn't have to be a hungry, diaper-needing, crying baby down the hall for me to understand what tired means.
I'm pretty sure I've got it figured out.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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Please don't let me say that to you ever. I hated it when people told me that, especially...you don't understand the value of a dollar until you have kids or blah blah so much more. It also made me want to punch them and tell them that it was amazing I knew anything without kids. So I know what ya mean and you don't need kids to get stuff, everyone has their own experiences and in the end I think they all measure up. People who say stuff like that just want to feel special.
ReplyDeleteAh yes, I've heard that before...and I always wanna say that insomnia is completely different then waking up because a baby needs you...insomnia controls you more than a baby *that sometimes they let cry because they need five minutes of sleep...
ReplyDeleteI go through these phases a lot. I know them well. I beg my body to let me rest. Once I get black eyes, yet, beyond the dark circles under my eyes....when people ask me what happened....then finally I get a decent night sleep. And then the phase starts all over again.
Best of luck to you. Recently I've tried writing the ABCs with my eyes while closed...it really does help make my eyes heavier but I'm not sure if it helps me fall asleep sooner.
I know exactly what you mean. I have never had problems sleeping, ever...never...until we moved to Anaheim. I didn't sleep for the first 6 months straight of living here. It sucked...royal. I finally had to get some Ambien to sleep. I hated being on meds, and tapered myself down and off several times before I completely kicked Ambien back a few months ago. That's a year and a half of medically induced sleep. Rupert found me some herbal sleeping pills that are to die for. There's also an off-brand sleeping pill at Target that's cheaper that works well too.
ReplyDeleteI'm just saying, I know how you feel, I've been where you are...I sleep, for the most part (food create's sleeping issues for me sometimes).
"you'll understand blank when you have a baby" is one of the most condescending things you can say to someone. I HATED it when people said things like that to me, especially when I was pregnant. I've been tired before I had a baby and I've been tired after I had a baby. Just go ahead and punch them in the head. They deserve it.
ReplyDeleteOh and Unisom works wonders. There is an off brand you can buy at Target. Insomnia is cycle that you have to break, even if it means meds.
ReplyDeleteI would try heroin.
ReplyDeleteThat's some sage advice. Though, I'm not sure Karen's ready for the hard stuff. Yet.
DeleteYea, I kinda get annoyed by that, too. Though I'm terribly sorry to hear you are unable to get any shut-eye, my dear. I'm sure you've tried everything and there's not much else to leave you with, BUT I have noticed that if I shut down all the "white blinking lights" (the ipod, phone, computer, tv) about an hour before bedtime, the brain has a bit of a break and isn't feeling so wired any longer. It's of course just a though. I hope something works for you soon--that sounds horrible :(
ReplyDeleteI sometimes have nights like that, but I couldn't imagine it being almost every night. My wish for you is the gift of quality sleep.
ReplyDeleteSleep deprivation sucks no matter what's causing it!! And I dealt with the same exact problem...my brain was working overtime and bedtime was the worst because I would just lay there thinking of endless thoughts. I couldn't shut my brain down.
ReplyDeleteHere's an idea for you....keep a pad of paper and a pen by your bed. Right before you fall asleep, write down everything that's on your mind. What you plan to wear tomorrow, what you'll pack for lunch or plans you have for lunch, anything that is on your mind...write it down!!
And then turn off the lights, and think about sleep. Focus on relaxing each and every body part one at a time...no other thoughts other than that.
It really does help. Try it.
If not, maybe try natural melatonin. Or reading.
Dude, tired is tired. Whether you're up with a baby, or have insomnia, or just drink too much caffeine: if you're not sleeping, you're tired. The end. And I'm sorry that you're so tired.
ReplyDeleteMy boss has a problem with sleeping. She describes it kind of like you do: that her mind just won't shut off. She advocates Advil OM (or Tylenol PM). She said that it just quiets her mind enough that she can get to sleep. I've also known people who use breathing exercises. The thing about breathing exercises is that the way you're breathing isn't really the important part. It's being focused on your breath. Making it really even. And if you focus on that - breathing in the same amount as breathing out, making it rhythmic - then you're shutting out everything else. And eventually you fall asleep. That's the theory anyway. Can't say I've ever really tried it.
I hope you find a solution and get some shut eye!
There are many reason not to sleep. I actually got more sleep with babies than I do with adult children. Just pray and relax and if you cannot sleep make a list for the next day and pray. This two things usually let me finally sleep.
ReplyDeleteMy wife is like that. She can get to sleep, but if she wakes up, her brain goes into overdrive.
ReplyDeleteAnd if that quote has any merit then I guess I'll never know what it's like to be tired!
I'm the same way. Insomnia is a bitch with or without kids.
ReplyDeleteI go through bouts of insomnia. I have trouble getting to sleep and STAYING asleep. Melatonin and earplugs really help me. I'm a light sleeper anyway, so the earplugs help drown out any odd noises (house creaking, dogs barking, cars, etc) so all I really hear is my own breathing and heartbeat, which is oddly soothing and helps me turn my brain off. Oh, and sometimes those Breathe Right strips really help too. With the temp fluctuations we've had, my sinuses can't adjust and breathing well sometimes means the difference between a good night's sleep and a bad one. I buy my melatonin at Costco and it's only like $6 for a bottle. Trader Joes has a lower dosage chewable version for under $5.
ReplyDeleteGood luck! No sleep is miserable!
Ya, that's annoying. Have I ever said that thing to you about kids? I hope not!
ReplyDeleteMan, I don't have kids, so I am not even going to say that to you! I am lucky to pretty much be able to sleep most of the time, BUT my boyfriend is just like you. He is super sleepy, and then as soon as he lays his head down (lies his head?) on the pillow, his mind goes into overdrive. It's not even days when he has something important to think about, he just THINKS...about everything. Like you said, little things like gas in the car or whatever.
ReplyDeleteHe is also much more motivated in life than I am. Or let me put it this way, he likes to be BUSY, all the time. So I think when he is thinking, it's the same as staying busy. Whereas I? I just turn off my brain and don't worry about being busy all the time.
Are you a Gemini?
Also, Valerian root may help. It helped one of my friends.
I'm so sorry! That sounds absolutely horrible. I hope you find a solution (or that it resolves itself) soon!
ReplyDeleteMy thoughts also begin to race the minute my head hits the pillow. I tend to think of possible blogs posts once my mind isn't occupied with other things. I've (kinda) solved that issue by keeping my cell phone with me and making notes to get them off on mind.
ReplyDeleteThe most tired I've EVER been was always after hospital stays. There's a saying 'If you want to get well, get out of the hospital." lol!
I've heard Melatonin (sp?) can help sleep.
Try counting backwards from 300. It helps me. I've used melatonin but then I have bizarre dreams.
ReplyDeleteOh God! I would eliminate that phrase too! I have kids and I’m not that tired. I’m so sorry. One of my best friends goes through the same thing. She finally got a prescription and it seems to be helping. Breathing exercises too!
ReplyDeleteYuck! There's nothing worse than not being able to sleep. And just ignore those people who say that about having kids. I had just as many sleepless nights before I had kids that I have now. I hope rest comes to you soon. Hang in there!
ReplyDeleteI've suffered from insomnia since I was 15. I can definitely relate. If I get three or four hours of sleep a night I'm lucky. Good luck.
ReplyDeleteI totally sympathize - nothing sucks more than being in bed and just unable to fall asleep while still being so freaking tired!
ReplyDeleteCheers, Karen. Did your therapist mention that sleeplessness can be a sign of depression or anxiety?
ReplyDeleteNo, I'm not about to give you an online diagnosis, but it might be something worth discussing during your sessions.
Despite having had three kids myself, I dont agree with what you were told at all. In fact, I was a better sleeper when my children were babies because I could catnap between feeds during a 24 hour period, something that was not possible when I was tied to a sleep-at-night-only routine. Yes, I can relate to those intrusive thoughts during those hours that should be spent dreaming. And then during the day fatigue limits your ability to deal with those things that plagued you during the night, thereby compounding the problem.
Chat to your therapist about it.
We talked quite a bit about that and my regular doctor has prescribed something that will hopefully start to help. They both agree with me that the insomnia is a symptom and not the actual problem.
DeleteI'm so sorry. Being tired is one thing I can relate to. And it has nothing to do with kids, or even work. Sometimes sleep just doesn't come.
ReplyDeleteI read through all the comments, and feel that you don't need any advice, especially since you've got two health care providers on your side. I'm sure they will find something that works.