Wednesday, January 25, 2012
"Reassurance"
I am a single woman who is a month away from turning 35.
And I'm okay with that.
Do I wish I was married?
Yes. As my therapist forced me to admit last week in a very weird conversation that had me completely stoic and unemotional while sharing some deeply painful and awful bits of my past before tearfully admitting that I truly and deeply believe that I won't ever get married.
Because, OBVIOUSLY I'm TOTALLY fine with that.
Ahem.
I've discovered a cycle in my life. I'm cruising along and get to a point where I'm comfortable with who I am. With the fact that I'm single. With the idea that I will ALWAYS be single. And then a friend or a stranger or a therapist--
(This therapy deal is a new development. Don't worry. You haven't missed anything.)
--feels the need to "reassure" me that I'll get married some day and that I shouldn't worry about the exact thing that I already wasn't worrying about.
It's happened over and over and over again.
Look.
I'm not avoiding marriage. I'm not afraid of it. And I'm not wallowing every day, scouring the kennels for my next furry companion whilst lamenting my unfortunate spinsterhood and assuming that the only reason I'm not married is because I'm somehow not good enough for anyone on the entire planet.
I know I'm pretty awesome. Far from perfect, but still cool to be around a lot of the time.
And I do hold out hope that there's some man out there for me that will think I'm cool enough to hang out with for all of eternity. Preferably one with Ryan Gosling's face and Colin Firth's manners.
I haven't given up. I've just come to accept something that I fully believe is reality.
But again and again people tell me that it's wrong to think this way.
They say things like: "You'll find your Prince Charming" or "You need to expect to get married" or my personal favorite: "It'll happen when you least expect it."
Really? Because I wasn't expecting it at all, and now that you've said that, I AM expecting it all over again.
So, thanks for that.
It's normal for people to want to reassure one another. To feel like we're helping make someone else feel better. To say something that comforts.
Ironically, though, it so often happens that the more things we say in our efforts to help, the less we actually do.
I know that people care and worry about me.
Believe me. In the past few weeks I've become keenly aware of just how much people worry about me.
But the "reassurances" aren't reassuring. The helpful comments and questions are often the opposite.
You know what IS helpful? What IS reassuring?
Knowing that I'm accepted. That my marital status doesn't affect my social standing. That I'm still welcome and included and involved and that people understand and accept that I can be a perfectly normal person even without a man at my side.
It's not like I somehow forget every day that I'm alone. I'm not unaware of the fact that it's been eons since the last date I went on that had any potential for going anywhere.
I need to feel like I'm adequate. I need to feel like my feelings are valued.
I need to feel like people like me. Just the way I am.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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I do, obviously. : ) Btw, you may not have a man in your life, but you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteIn high school, girls would say, "When I get married, blah, blah, blah..." and I would say, "What if you never get married?" Shocked the heck out of me when someone said they liked me enough to date me. Never say never, hon.
Your post reminded me of another famous line: there's a lid for every pot... but what if some pots are meant to remain "lidless" or is the word "lid-free"...
ReplyDeleteLots of women choose to remain unmarried, for whatever reasons...
I say, enjoy your single status but keep an open mind - don't rule out the possibility of marriage, but don't obssess over it either. If you are comfortable with your status at this moment, then it's right for you at this moment... As time passes, see how you feel... trust your gut instincts...
And the therapist is meant to give this "well-meaning contradictory advice" or else she would be out of a job - she can't agree with you; after all, it would defeat the purpose of therapy! :)Just my thoughts...
I'm actually concnerned that a therapist reassured you that one day you will find a partner. A therapist does not have a crystal ball, and whehter or not you find a partner is outside of their control. I'd go so far as to say it was unprofessional to make such a prediction.
ReplyDeleteTheir role is to help you to understand your own emotional responses to events in your life, and to help you take control over the parts you can control, and cope with those elements you cannot. Teaching you coping skills is one step. Saying "there there, one day your prince will come, honey," is the easy way out, and ultimately quite useless.
Okay, I need to clarify that my therapist was 100% professional and didn't say most of the things I talked about here. Friends and strangers have said those things. There is only one direct quote from him in this piece and it's the one that was the most productive and the least "dreamy".
DeleteThe only reason I referenced the discussion with my therapist (which, in proper context made absolute sense) was to make the point that I am not as okay with being single as I've been trying to convince myself for MANY years.
PLEASE understand that this therapist is fantastic and that I am looking forward to working with him to get myself emotionally helpful. This post had NOTHING to do with him and everything to do with me.
Phewww, that's a relief. Glad you've found a fantastic therapist. Keep up th egood work, and thanks for visiting my blog.
DeleteSpeaking as a therapist, I hope you find it to be most helpful. You'll get from it what you put into it, and change can be amazing :) You are awesome!!!! I won't reassure you of anything, except that life is constantly changing and moving. Be open to anything :)
ReplyDeleteAnd people do like you as you are. I understand the whole convincing yourself that a certain life or choice isn't for you because you don't want to be disappointed if it never happens. I never allowed myself to look at wedding dresses on storefront windows and always said I was too busy studying to bother with dates and men. It's because I just felt that no one would want me either. Eventually it changes, but only if you put it out there for the universe to hear that yeah, you do yearn for these things and there's no shame in admitting that. Like they say, a closed mouth does not get fed.
ReplyDeleteHope your therapist is helping you get there. I've just started back up with one and I can feel the learning process and confusions starting to roll in.
I like you just the way you are! Married or not you are a really awesome person.
ReplyDeleteIt really is amazing how often marriage comes up. As if we don't have a billion other topics to talk about.
ReplyDeleteI'm glad your therapist is having you change the way you think. If anything, it will probably help you think differently about life in general.
Is this the time when I should say, "Hey, look at Sheri Dew! You can be just like her."
ReplyDeleteNext time someone makes a comment about your marital status, remind them that the divorce rate is 50%.
ReplyDeleteI can kind of relate to this. When I was struggling with infertility, well-meaning friends would say, "I just know you'll have a baby someday". I finally got so sick of hearing that, that I would begin to respond, "Oh really? Did you consult your psychic about that?" And I also hated those people who said, "It's in God's plans for you to be a mother". I'd respond, "Did you see that written in the Bible somewhere about me personally?"
ReplyDeleteI know people just say what they think is best...they want to cheer you up or make you feel encouraged. But honestly sometimes you just want someone to say, "You know, it's okay to be where you are right now in life. Doesn't mean you're not a good person or that you don't deserve the best that life has to offer."
I think reassurance is just the natural response but yeah sometimes, you just want someone to listen without making empty promises.
Well put. I've always found reassurance to be sort of an odd creature. I became acutely aware at a pretty young age that some reassurances are not welcomed or desired. I try to take care to determine what a person really wants before telling them I'm sure they'll find it.
ReplyDeleteIt has never struck me that you need a man or that you're in some sort of holding pattern. You're an amazing, funny, friendly, and caring single woman. I know some women who are "on the hunt," so to speak. I don't include you in that list.
I remember once being told at the bachelorette party of a friend (when we were all only abuot 21!!!) not to worry, I too would find a man some day. I just about lost it. WTF? Did I say I was worried? Did I say ANYTHING about my singleness? I could care less! Thanks for the presumption, though.
Crap, now I'm afraid to say the wrong thing!
ReplyDeleteI'll see if I can track down Ryan Gosling for you...
Alex, all you have to say is, "Hey, you're awesome," and you're good.
DeleteAnd please tell Ryan to call me.
Bravo Karen. You said it very well. You rock. :)
ReplyDeleteDon't let the Smug Marrieds get you down, Bridget. I like you just as you are.
ReplyDeleteAnd this comment is one of the many reasons I love ya!
DeleteGreat post! I like you just the way you are! I feel you, totally. I have been hounded HOUNDED by people, especially my grandmothers, to GET MARRIED!! HURRY HURRY (before they kick the bucket) and have kids too while you are at it. They don't understand that I am having fun traveling, I enjoy the relationship I have with my boyfriend and I probably Don't Want Kids. GASP! How can you live like that!? Blasphemy!
ReplyDeleteWord. To. Your. Mama. I couldn't agree with this post more. One time (and I'm not particularly proud of this let me just say) a person wouldn't stop going on about how it's God's plan for me to be married and I shouldn't "lose hope" and so on. Finally, I said something along the lines of - WOW. I can't believe you're more in tune with God's best for my life than the words of Scripture. Because I'm pretty sure Paul commends those who are single and working for the kingdom. It was just the last straw, ha! :)
ReplyDeleteJust be you, girl. You're awesome.
I love you Karen and your singleness :) As I just sent you in a text, I've been having very similar thoughts, struggles and need to vent about this topic about my own life. Mine is a little different since the reassurance is a taboo and it has never been suggested to me that when I get married, it's always been "if" you get married. People don't think I notice how they speak around me, but I notice things like that. How can you not, when the one thing you want in life is the thing that others believe will never happen for you? Anyway, that's my soap box! lol, but you, you are amazing and I hope that we remain friends whether you are single or married with 4 kids tagging along. You're undefined, and we like it that way. :)
ReplyDeleteI struggle with this. Most of my friends are unmarried and don't have kids. When they talk about wanting to get married or wanting to have kids, I feel like I shouldn't say anything. I can't relate about their struggles, I can't really say I understand and share similar nightmarish stories. But I love them. I want them to have what they want and support them along the way.
ReplyDeleteOh Karen, I ADORE you - just the way you are!!
ReplyDeleteAnd you have no idea how much this one hit home! Only for me, it's the constant reassurances that one day, I will have a baby. Seriously, I don't want to hear it anymore. I'm trying to find happiness in my life, exactly the way it is, just in case it turns out that this is all there will ever be. I don't need to be constantly reminded that it's not quite enough by people who think I need that reassurance.
Which, was basically just me word vomiting in order to tell you - I hear you sister!
I could copy this whole post and not say what you said any better. At 31, I also get those that think I just won't be happy until I'm married.
ReplyDeleteWell, I'm happy. Sometimes I think I don't get into a serious relationship just to spite people. I guess they mean well though :)
Love this post. You said it so, so well. I have definitely spent most of my adult years being (perhaps too) okay with being single - but I think it's a good way to be. Better than being miserable about it.
ReplyDelete>>...I am a single woman who is a month away from turning 35.
ReplyDeleteDANG! In all seriousness - based upon your photographs - I would have pegged you at, like, 23 or 24.
That's not meant to make you feel better (although it would be great if it does), but it is just a very honest observation.
I have often been told that I look quite a bit younger than my age (52... or is it 51? I'm REALLY not sure), but you have me beat in that department by a good margin.
Maybe the issue is that guys are thinking you look too young for marriage, and they want a wife NOW! (Just a passing thought.)
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Oh, Stephen, you sure know how to flatter a girl!
ReplyDelete(And I really wouldn't have guessed you were 52 either, for the record.)