Wednesday, January 4, 2012
The Truth
Somehow, though, I doubt that.
But Jenny Lawson has shared some incredibly brave things in the past several days and it's helped me realize that there are some truths I really need to face.
I've been in a less-than-stellar mood over the past few weeks. Maybe months. I'm not entirely sure.
Regardless of when it started, it first became obvious to me a week or so before Christmas. I was driving home from work. It was pouring down rain and I was stuck in a terrible traffic jam, trying to get home to meet up with my girlfriends for dinner and thinking about all the things that needed to be done before Christmas. As I was inching along down the freeway, I broke down. Tears poured down my cheeks in unstoppable torrents.
The next night was a Christmas party at church and I felt so generally awful that I pretty much had all of my friends convinced that I was mad at them.
When I wasn't actually even mad at all.
A few days later, I skipped my friend Stacey's Christmas party. I wanted to go, but just couldn't do it. Instead, I got home from work, changed into pajamas and crawled under the covers until I was forced to come out the next morning.
Days passed like that. I went through the motions a lot, but my heart wasn't in any of it. Christmas shopping was a chore. Decorating never happened. I avoided Christmas music because it just made me feel worse.
I tried to pretend like everything was okay, but it really wasn't. The thoughts going on in my head were bad. So bad that I was actually worried about me. But I just couldn't bring myself to say anything about it, convinced that no one would understand. That everyone would tell me to just suck it up. Or worse, that they would somehow think I was just begging for attention.
Here is the honest, painful truth:
I've been dealing with depression for a really long time.
Wait. No. Here's the REAL honest, painful truth:
I have NOT been dealing with depression for a really long time. I've been living with it. Suffering from it. But I haven't dealt with it. Not at all.
Despite the fact that I know some good, strong, amazing people who have suffered from (and in most cases beaten back) depression, it's always felt like a weakness in myself. Like something I have to hide, or wish away, or to pretend it isn't there. Because, really, what do I have to be depressed about? I have a job, a healthy family, good friends, a nice place to live, plenty of food and even a nice car. By all accounts, my life is good.
So then I get depressed about being depressed. Like I'm not good enough for it or something.
I try to pretend that everything's fine. Just go through the motions. Get up in the morning, wash my hair, wear clean-ish clothes and go to work. Force myself to eat, even when food tastes like cardboard. Drag myself to meetings and things and pretend to care about what's going on. Pretend to KNOW what's going on. Get home, crawl into bed and lay awake for hours, wishing I could turn off my brain long enough to just get some sleep.
It goes on like this for days. Or weeks. Or, sometimes, months.
And I've never dealt with it. Partly because I just don't know how. Mostly because I'm afraid.
But after missing out on the joy of my favorite time of year, and being wracked with guilt after watching my friends back away slowly when they believed I was mad at them, there's really no denying it anymore. Something has to be done. This can't go on.
I don't know how it works. I have no idea what to do or how to go about fixing myself. But I'll figure it out. I'm tired of feeling this way. Tired of avoiding and being avoided. Of never really feeling right. Of feeling like a big, giant fraud whenever anyone commends me for my "positive attitude." It's not on my List this year, but reclaiming my mental health is my biggest goal for 2012.
It's time.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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You just exhibited so much courage by publishing this post, and I want you to know you are in my prayers. You can feel better and beat depression, and this is the first step toward that goal.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you.
Clinical depression is usually a chemical imbalance. It has nothing to do with how good or bad your life is. It's treatable, with therapy and drugs. Taking control is the first step. Now take the next and find a good psychiatrist who can give you your joy back. You deserve it.
ReplyDeleteIronically, I was considering posting a journal entry onto my blog this week which I wrote during one of my darkest hours of depression. I suffered/struggled with it really bad for about a decade... and life was like a fog... and meant nothing to me. As time went on, (with the help of meds, quality therapists, and most important, God) episodes decreased in length. Now, thankfully, I'm experiencing a better quality of life. It may seem like there's no light at the end of the tunnel now, but there is. I've been there. You'll emerge from this victorious. In the meantime, I'll keep you in prayer.
ReplyDelete*Stay strong.
I know so many people who have depression, including myself. The best thing to know is this: THERE IS NO SHAME IN IT. But do not continue to ignore it - that's the worst thing you can do. Find a doctor. Take his/her advice. If he/she suggests an antidepressant, by all means, take it. I have recently accepted that I'll probably be on an anti-depressant for the rest of my life. And that's fine. It's just like taking a vitamin and it makes my life WONDERFUL. Yeah, not perfect, but WONDERFUL. Here's the other thing about depression: it doesn't matter if you have a great job, a great partner, great kids, great whatever - depression doesn't care that you supposedly have a perfect life. It gets you anyway. That's the real bitch of it.
ReplyDeleteSo get thee to a doctor.... the sooner the better!
And HUGS!!!!! Just think, 2012 is the year you can put depression in its place!
Karen, I'm sorry! Knowing there is a problem is half the battle though.
ReplyDeleteAnd sorry I didn't visit earlier this week, but I couldn't get your page to load.
I have come to realize in my life that I am utterly inept at fixing myself or solving my own problems. Every time I think I've conquered something once and for all I would fall flat on my face again from the same issue. In the last couple years I have realized that my faith in Jesus and my PERSONAL relationship with Him are the key. I can't fix me but He can! I lean on Him every day for the strength I need to solve my problems. And when He takes care of something, it stays taken care of.
ReplyDeleteMy advice: forget about trying to fix things yourself and focus on your relationship with Him. Matthew 6:33 says: But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Once you start praying and studying your Bible and seeking the Lord, you'll be surprised how much else will change in your life without you even trying. But remember this, God doesn't try to change us overnight, He'll take one thing at a time, and help us conquer them in His time.
I'm sorry I haven't been around for so long. This is the first post I've read from my dashboard in a long time and I'm so glad I did. I WILL be praying for you.
I plan to write a post soon explaining why I've disappeared from the blogsphere. There have been a number of changes in my life that have changed my outlook and I'm excited to share them with everyone.
Karen,
ReplyDeleteI have suffered with depression for a long time. I want to commend you for the strength it took to admit that you are having a problem. I want to let you know that you CAN beat this. It will take time and therapy, and maybe even medication, but you will survive.
May Heavenly Father bless you in all you do.
Yeah, I was definitely one of those friends that backed away thinking you were mad at me. I had clinical depression and anxiety in my early 20's. The hardest part for me was convincing myself to get help. Counseling did wonders for me.
ReplyDeleteWhatever you choose to do, please know that we all love you and support you!
That was exactly when I realized I needed help, when I had the thought that my life was actually really good, and I shouldn't feel so BAD all the time!
ReplyDeleteGood for you for posting this and for making the goal to face it and get help. So many people have struggled with depression, and I know you can come out of it with the right help. I'll be thinking of you!
I love this post! You are so inspiring! Here's to good health in 2012!
ReplyDeleteKaren, thanks for sharing your heart and experiences with us; it takes a lot of courage. Please know that you have have people who think you are awesome and are here to support you.
ReplyDeleteI knew you weren't mad at me, but I was definitely worried about you and had no idea how to help. I'm so glad you posted this! I think it is a fantastic goal to have - for everyone. I hope that you find a counselor or a doctor that is wonderful that will make you feel like a million bucks again :)
ReplyDeleteI think a lot of people suffer with it, thinking they will snap out of it, or that is just how life is supposed to be.
ReplyDeleteI have never dealt with depression. And I am thankful every day for that. But I've dealt with it's crazy, illogical sister, anxiety. And it sucks. I'm actually surprised I haven't had depression, because they are linked to each other.
I think working in the mental health field gives me a lot of insight into myself and therapy has done wonders. I don't take medication, yet, but I may someday. I also haven't gotten on a plane in 2 1/2 years because of the claustrophobia, since I had my first panic attack, so there are still issues I need to overcome.
KAREN ~
ReplyDeleteIf I knew the answer, I promise I would tell it to you. But if I knew the answer, I wouldn't be in the same boat with you.
All I can tell you is that the thought of suicide crosses my mind just about every single day (sometimes multiple times per day). Why? Jesus said, "My Kingdom is not of this world." In other words, this is NOT the world according to God.
Satan has been temporarily granted power in "this world" and until Jesus returns to reform it according to God's blueprint, it's going to suck. Some good, plenty bad.
As far as I know, all we can do is accept the Forgiveness offered us, pray often, help others when we can, and remember that Jesus said, "hold fast what you have till I come"; "To him who overcomes I will give to eat from the tree of life, which is in the midst of the Paradise of God" and "To him who overcomes I will grant to sit with Me on My throne, as I also overcame and sat down with My Father on His throne."
The bottom line: Life in "this world" is hard. Do your best and pray for the rest.
Sometimes when I get really down, I think about the people who persevered through the Communist purges and the deliberately orchestrated famines in Russia, China, and Cambodia (a subject I know a good deal about). That usually puts things in better perspective for me.
I'm not saying that puts a bounce in my step and a smile on my face, only that my life suddenly seems bearable again... until the next wave of depression hits and I find myself in mental anguish again, and on my knees in prayer.
I wish I had a better answer for you.
~ D-FensDogg
'Loyal American Underground'
Depression is hard to face and even harder to overcome. But there is help available and lots of people who know exactly how you're feeling. You know you aren't alone!
ReplyDelete2012 is going to be a great year for you Karen. I just know it!
Sorry Karen. You know I'm here for you. Always!
ReplyDeleteTake advantage of your great healthcare benefits and go seek help. I'll bet a therapist or maybe even medication will really help you.
Stay close to your Heavenly Father. He will help you. He knows you. He loves you.
Well, dang it! I'm sorry you're having this issue. Sending good thoughts your way so that you'll get the exact care you need! For now, go get some chocolate! :)Prayers & Hugs
ReplyDeleteKudos to you for recognizing your depression. I didn't see mine for what it was until months after I had pulled out of it. It made me realize who really cared about me, because even though I had alienated them and isolated myself, my real friends were still there for me afterwards. I love them exponentially more now. Depression also taught me to be less judgemental and more understanding.
ReplyDeleteHuge cyber hugs to you. I have had a lot of people close to me battle depression and similar demons. Most have conquered it. Some have not. It is a horrible, difficult thing, and not something anyone can really understand until they've been there.
ReplyDeleteIt was amazingly brave of you to post this, and I believe it is a major step in the right direction.
I also think that your amazing spirit and huge heart will enable you to beat this negative and even turn it into a positive.
Please let me know if there is anything at all I can do to help.
Oh, sista! Been there, done that...especially in the last 2 years.
ReplyDeleteI was a basketcase of emotional turmoil on New Year's Eve and Day because (like you) I have it good but I was suddenly missing 'something'. I got past it (for now) when people arrived for the game, but it creeps up on you unexpectedly.
I'd suggest you see a doctor and (maybe) try some meds. Sometimes we just need a little extra help to get through it.
(((HUGS)))
Oh Dear, how awful.
ReplyDeleteI Have been there as well. You must take care of yourself. Get to the Doctor. Not because you're weak, because your'e sick. I know. This happens to so many people...you CAN get through it!!
Dear Karen. If there is one thing I've learnt through this journey of life (living with anxiety and depression for most of it) - is that there are so many differing opinions, views, expectations in relation to how one should cope/manage/overcome this 'condition'. I don't give advice, but am happy to share some thoughts and experiences. I struggled with the thought of taking medication - the ultimate weakness I originally thought. Praise God I got over that - medication has been a significant part of my ability to manage this condition. It's also so easy to punish ourselves for not being what we think the world expects. If anything is going to compound the feeling of being depressed - this has got to be one of the big ones. I don't know about you - but I have often been a big enough critic of myself - there was no need to go looking for further avenues of discovering what a disappointment I was. I used to think I had to conquer this depressive state - and although there were practical things that I can do (and which do help) - like a bit of exercise; trying to eat reasonably well; and finding a therapist who I could relate to and feel comfortable with) - the reality for me has been that I just have to ride out the storm. I have found writing to be my saviour on many occasions - something about getting those feelings out of your head/heart and setting them free in some way. I needed to learn to love myself - with all my inadequacies/imperfections and really self loathing. My faith has also been a cornerstone of my being - and although I felt like a failure of that as well - the truth of unconditional love transcends our desire to beat ourselves up. Casting Crowns have a song - Praise Him in the Storm'. The words of that song hold great solace for me - even when it really brings me to tears when I'm walking through the valley.
ReplyDeleteSimply know there are many people who care about how you're feeling right now - and how much admiration we hold for the courage you have shown to share your thoughts. Every best wish and healing thought I send to you right now. Jeff.
You are brave and smart to admit this to yourself. The first step is to see your doctor. From there you can decide how to treat your depression. I hope you will take that first step very soon. You will be in my thoughts.
ReplyDeletei can feel the heartbeat behind this post. i think it is beautiful and brave for you to share. in sharing you will find out that you are not alone and there is not only comfort in that but also there can often be strength in dealing with it...learning to deal with it.
ReplyDeletei suffered for years, then got help, started talking about it, went on meds for a few years and slowly weened off of them and have been med free for several years. i still have my "Blue days" but i am able to find my way out of them fairly quickly.
love this. thank you for sharing.
A whole lot of people who know a whole lot more about this stuff than I do are going to offer much better advice than I could, so I'm going to let them. I'll just offer you a virtual hug.
ReplyDeleteLots of hugs to you, Karen. Therapy works. Give it a shot.
ReplyDeleteOr emailing you bloggy homie in Nor Cal works, too!
Major kudos to you for posting up about this. From what I've experienced with loved ones who have depression, recognising that you have it is a pretty big step in itself.
ReplyDeleteWhatever happens, know that you've got a strong support group right here.
You are not alone! I am right there with ya! Go see your doctor. I am! I am going to start taking care of myself. That is my goal for this year. The first step is admitting the problem... :D Best wishes!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing this. You are very brave and I think it is a good step for ya. Hug! I have also been concerned about ya a lot lately but just haven't known how to help. I like to be a fixer and make everyone laugh and happy and when I can't it kills me. SO I have been praying for ya. Here to love and support ya always in whatever direction you take next.
ReplyDeleteYou know, just writing and publishing this post is a huge step in making progress. It was a brave thing for you to do and certainly not an easy thing, either. I've written about my depression in graphic detail on my blog so I completely understand how scary it can be to put it out there in such a public arena.
ReplyDeleteFor those who tell you to suck it up and just be happy with what you have, have obviously never suffered from depression. You can't just suck it up and fake the smile all the time. It takes way too much energy to fake happiness than it does to deal with your depression, as wierd as that may sound but I have a feeling you understand what I mean.
I recently switched psychiatrists and therapists and am now on a new medication regimen and I feel so much better already. Plus, just getting out of the house on the sunny days and forcing myself to exercise has helped.
You're not a fraud. Even depressed people have good days. And even though you have a job, good friends, a roof over your head, depression can be a chemical inbalance...something you may have very little control over.
Take baby steps, my friend. Maybe that's talking to a therapist, maybe it's getting on meds, maybe it's getting outdoors more often when the sun is out. Whatever it is, just take care of you. And know you have a huge support system of friends out here who want to see you happy and healthy!
I can't imagine how terrifying it must have been to publish this post. But you did it. You've recognized that something's wrong, and you want to fix it. And that's such a huge part of the battle. I'm rooting for you--I know you can make it through this.
ReplyDeleteIt effects so many of us. 2011 was a rough year for me for many reasons. I was down for a good six months. Things are a lot better now because I have a plan. Sometimes, it's not about medication or therapy, I'm not a big fan of either for me. It's about recognizing the problem, talking about it whether it be with family or friends, or here on your blog and taking steps to recover. That's not to say that doctors, medicine and therapy aren't right for you. We all have our own path. Good luck!
ReplyDeleteAh yes, the story of my life. I've been in the same "lack of emotion yet emotional overdrive slump" for about 3 years now. I have myself convinced that if I just get a different job or a different place to live, I'll find the happiness I once felt. Best of luck to you and getting past the darkness, and just remember, you can grow even in darkness. I'm here if you need me. I'm still here even if don't need me.
ReplyDeleteIt's strange how hard it can be to admit it to ourselves. When I first started residency, I was so burnt out and plain miserable. I couldn't sleep, I skipped things I loved to do. I was approaching complete burn out fast. But rather than get help, I felt embarrassed, because all my fellow residents acted so happy. I luckily made it through that time, but I think of how much my life and my family suffered because I wasn't brave enough to admit that I needed help.
ReplyDeleteHuge hugs your way.
Perhaps a little medical mary jane can help? J/k...(kinda). Maybe I could test it out for you LOL! I kid. On a serious note, it helps to know that one of the smartest, funniest, most caring, insigtful, brilliant minds I know also has struggles in life. The good news is, you are a bad A and can kick this thing in the bum! Love you Karen! Never feel like you can't call me!!! xoxo
ReplyDeleteI'm sorry I didn't read this sooner. I'm a couple days behind on blog reading(shower preparations keeping me busy:). You are a brave girl and I love you. I also hope you find someone that can help you get on the right track to feeling better. I was giving you space but I hope you know I'm not going anywhere:-)
ReplyDelete