Sunday, February 26, 2012
The 84th Academy Awards Play-by-Play
For those of you that are new, I started doing these play-by-plays of my favorite awards shows a couple of years ago. Well, they've kind of stuck. And they're really fun for me. And I hope they're fun for you, too. So without further ado, on with the show!
5:30--Morgan Freeman comes to the stage and talks about the magic of movies and introduces the 84th Academy Awards.
5:31--Host Billy Crystal starts with his infamous montage/homage to the year's best films. This year, the theme is people trying to convince him to come back and host the Oscars again. Through electroshock therapy, coercion, and a kiss from George Clooney. Yes, that happened.
5:36--Billy Crystal comes to the stage. Makes a joke about Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close being the way that his family is watching the show. He says, "Movies are a play where people go to laugh. To cry. To text." And then he sings an opening song dedicated to the nominees. O, Billy, how the Oscars have missed you!
5:42--Tom Hanks presents the first award. He talks about this seat filler, Carl, who's been filling seats at the Oscars for 59 years. And then he announces the award for Cinematography. This really is a toss up between Hugo and The Tree of Life...
5:43--The winner is Hugo!
5:46--And Tom Hanks also presents the award for Art Direction. The winner is also Hugo!
5:47--The winners are Italian and struggling with the language, but they're sweet and it's nice to see them so excited to win.
5:51--Billy Crystal welcomes everyone to the "Your Name Here" Theater. (Kodak gave up naming rights when they filed for bankruptcy.) There is a montage of great movie moments. I think I've seen all but two of the movies.
5:54--Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Lopez present the next award for Costume Design. They quote some famous designer who said that a woman's dress should be tight enough to show you're a woman, but loose enough to show you're a lady. Um, neither of these two are looking much like ladies right now...Just sayin'. Course, it doesn't help that you can totally see J Lo's areola...
5:55--They introduce the nominees and different actors talk about working with the designers for the films.
5:56--The Oscar goes to Mark Bridges for The Artist!
5:57--Cameron and J Lo next present the award for Best Makeup. I'd love to see Harry Potter win, but it'll probably be Albert Nobbs since they made Glenn Close look so ugly.
5:58--Nope. Wrong. The winner is The Iron Lady! The winner thanks Meryl Streep for keeping him working for 30 years.
6:01--Montage of stars talking about the first movie they ever saw. Brad Pitt keeps talking about some movie about gargantuas. And he keeps saying it over and over and over. It's a really funny word. Gargantuas...
6:06--Sandra Bullock is here to present the Best Foreign Film award. She says that because the show is international and there are so many people in China, she was asked to make an announcement in Mandarin, which she happens to speak. Except that she speaks Mandarin with a German accent. And then she says something along the lines of "Thanks for watching," but I have no idea what language it really was...
6:09--And the Best Foreign Film is A Separation, from Iran.
6:11--Billy Crystal comes back and says, "A crack addict, a socially elite psycho...The choice is your when you vote on Super Tuesday. But they're also characters Christian Bale has played." Christian is the next presenter for Best Supporting Actress.
6:13--The winner is OCTAVIA SPENCER for The Help!! She gets a much deserved standing ovation. And now she's crying. And she's trying to get through her speech and she says, "The sign says please wrap it up! I'm wrapping it up! I'm freaking out!"
6:20--Billy Crystal talks about focus groups that watch movies and give opinions on them before they're released. (I've done that. It's fun.) He says they've recently found footage from a focus group for The Wizard of Oz and they start playing the film. Which is pretty much the cast of every Christopher Guest movie ever: Fred Willard, Jennifer Coolidge, Eugene Levy, Catherine O'Hara, Christopher Guest. It's hilarious! Their suggestions are awesome. "Get rid of Dorothy."
6:23--The next presenters are Tina Fey and Bradley Cooper for Film Editing.
6:24--The winner is The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo. Wow. I'm pretty surprised.
6:26--And they present the next award for Sound Editing. Which goes to Hugo.
6:28--And they also present the award for Sound Mixing while they're at it. And that also goes to...Hugo.
6:35--Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog are in their seats on the balcony talking about their memorable film experiences. And then they introduce Cirque de Soleil, who do an interpretation of what it's like to go to the movies. This is really amazing. I really want to go to a Cirque show. And they get a standing ovation.
6:40--Billy Crystal comes back and says, "I pulled a hamstring just watching that." And then he says, "Happy Birthday, Oscar. Eighty-four years old. But what does age matter?" And then he starts talking about how old Max von Sydow and Christopher Plummer are.
6:41--Gwyneth Paltrow and Robert Downey, Jr. are to present the next award, but Gwyneth comes to the stage alone. RDJ is hiding behind the curtain and finally comes out with a film crew following him. He says they're filming a documentary called "The Presenter" which is expected to be up on Netflix by midnight. Their bit is really funny, although it goes a little bit long. But who cares? Robert Downey, Jr is funny and cute enough that he can do what he wants. Plus, you don't mess with Tony Stark.
6:44--They present the award for Best Documentary to a film called Undefeated. There are six people onstage to accept the award and they talk so long that the band plays them off.
6:45--Chris Rock comes to the stage and talks about how great it is to be in animated movies because any actor can play any part. And then he says, "People say animation is hard. No. Working for UPS is hard. Animation is easy." He presents the award for Best Animated Feature.
6:48--The winner is Rango. Verbinski says he doesn't know if this is a kid's movie, but it was made by adults acting like kids.
6:53--Billy Crystal is leaving his dressing room when Melissa McCarthy shows up and offers to make it the Undressing Room. Their bit is HILARIOUS, especially if you've seen Bridesmaids.
6:54--The next presenters are Ben Stiller and Emma Stone. She's smiling a giant smile and says, "This is the first time I've ever presented an award!" And then she comes up with some suggestions of funny things she and Ben could do. He says they should just keep it simple and announce the winner. "Says the man who dressed in full Avatar costume."
6:56--They present Best Visual Effects, which goes to Hugo!
6:59--Melissa Leo presents the award for Best Supporting Actor.
7:01--The Oscar goes to Christopher Plummer for Beginners. It's his first award and he's now the oldest Oscar winner ever. Standing ovation. He says to his statuette, "You're only two years older than me, darling. Where have you been all my life?" I'm pretty sure his speech has gone overtime, but they let him keep going. I mean, it's Captain Freaking Von Trapp!
7:08--Billy congratulates Christopher Plummer and says that he has now raised the average age of Oscar winners to 62. Then he does a funny bit about being able to tell what different actors are thinking, but I didn't write any of them down except that Brad Pitt was thinking, "I hope this show gets done early because I have 6 Parent Teacher Conferences to get to in the morning."
7:11--President of the Academy, Tom Sharon does his normal "we're all awesome" speech and thanks the producers. Billy thanks Tom for "whipping the crowd into a frenzy."
7:13--Penelope Cruz (bleh) and Owen Wilson present Best Original Score. There is a montage of scores from all the nominated movies.
7:15--The winner is Ludovic Bource for The Artist. He has never had any formal training in composition. That's amazing. He's fiddling with his pockets, which looks weird. Oh, it's his speech.
7:17--Will Ferrell and Zack Galifiniakis march out in white tuxes playing the cymbals. It's hilarious. These two are great together. They present Best Original Song.
7:19--It still weirds me out that there are only two nominees. And I'm bummed that they didn't perform either of the songs tonight. But, oh well. The winner is "Man or Muppet!" Yay! The guy who wrote it is funny and adorable and he talks about watching the Muppets as a kid.
7:22--So, there have been these Ellen DeGeneres JC Penney commercials during nearly every break and they are so, so funny. We are totally digging them.
7:28--Billy Crystal wants to get a group of actors together to buy the Dodgers. And then he introduces the original girl with the dragon tattoo: Angelina Jolie.
7:29--The slit on Angelina's dress is pretty much all the way to her hip. It's kind of gross. And so are her arms. But anyway, she's presenting the screenplay awards and first is Best Adapted Screenplay, which goes to Alexander Payne and his cohorts for The Descendants. Co-writer mimics the way Angelina was sticking her naked thigh out. It's pretty funny.
7:33--And the award for Best Original Screenplay goes to Woody Allen for Midnight in Paris. And Woody isn't there to accept the award. Wow. I wonder why.
7:35--More stars are talking about their favorite movies. Our favorite quote is when Gabourey Sidibe says, "He's drunk! And he only has one foot!"
7:40--Mila Jovavich talks about the other night when she presented the Science and Technical Awards.
7:42--The ladies from Bridesmaids present the awards for the shorts. Kristen Wiig and Maya Rudolph do a sort of funny bit about how size does matter but length doesn't. It's funny, but gets a little uncomfortable. They need to wrap it up and move on.
7:43--Okay, Live Action Short--The Shore.
7:45--Rose Byrne and Melissa McCarthy do a Martin Scorsese drinking game that's funny and then announce Best Documentary Short Subject: Saving Face.
7:48--And then the other two girls announce the Best Animated Short, which is The Fantastic Flying Books of Mr. Somebody or Other. The two that accept this award say, "We are, like, swamp rats from Louisiana."
7:51--Meryl Streep talks about presenting the Governor Awards recently. One of them went to James Earl Jones and they show a bunch of clips from some of his movies and when they get to Mufasa from The Lion King saying, "You've forgotten who you are..." my friend Ann suddenly says, "Oh no wonder that scene always creeped me out! That's Darth Vader!"
7:54--Billy Crystal says that the next presenter was occupying Wall Street before it was cool. Michael Douglas presents the award for Best Director.
7:55--Which goes to Michel Hazanavicius!! The Artist!! Wahoo! I love his French accent. It makes me happy. At the end he says, "I want to thank Uggie the dog. I'm not sure if he cares. He doesn't understand me anyway. He's not THAT good."
8:00--Billy talks about Meryl Streep. "Meryl has been nominated 17 times and only won twice. Which means she's had to sit there 14 times and pretend to be thrilled. Which, I think, she should win an Oscar just for that."
8:04--Billy says that among everyone that was lost this year, two former Oscar producers were among them.
8:05--In Memoriam.
8:12--There are clips of actors talking about acting. Jonah Hill talks about why actors are all weird. Gabourey Sidibe talks about the thrill of being part of something special.
8:13--Billy Crystal says, "I've never had any of those feelings." And then he introduces the next presenter.
8:14--Natalie Portman presents the award for Best Actor. She says a little something about each nominee and they play a clip from each performance. I really want Jean to win. On my party ballot I totally changed my prediction from George to Jean.
8:19--Jean Dujardin WINS for The Artist!!! He says, "I love your country!" He talks about the very first Academy Awards in 1929 and thanks Douglas Fairbanks, the very first host. He thanks Michel and Berenice and his wife. And then he says a few things in French about how exciting and amazing this experience is. I think I'm in love.
8:24--Billy Crystal says, "They must be going nuts in France right now. Or whatever the French have in place of joy."
8:25--Colin Firth presents the award for Best Actress. He does what Natalie did and speaks about each nominee and shows a clip. The best is when he says, "Meryl. Mamma Mia. We were in Greece. We danced. I was gay. We were happy."
8:30--The Oscar goes to Meryl Streep for The Iron Lady. Everyone in my Living Room groaned because we all wanted Viola to win.
8:31--Meryl says, "When they called my name, I had this feeling I could hear half of America going 'Oh no! Not her again!' But I don't care." We all decide that we like her and some of us are happy for her. I mean, that's a lot times to be nominated without winning anything. Although Viola was really amazing. But I do love Meryl Streep. And then she says, "I have to thank my husband first because if you wait to the end you get played off and I KNOW now that I'll never be up here again."
8:33--Billy Crystal introduces the final presenter. The man who makes the impossible possible. The love of my life: Tom Cruise. Who is looking mighty fine tonight. I wish he would always keep his hair short. He's way hotter with short hair.
8:34--There is a montage of all the Best Picture nominees. I managed to see seven of them. I was only unimpressed by one of those. But I'm still rooting for The Artist.
8:36--And the Oscar goes to: THE ARTIST!!! The entire cast, the producers, a bunch of people come to the stage, including super adorable Uggie the Dog in a cute little bow tie with a dog bone jewel hanging off of it. Very exciting. The Artist is such a great movie and I'm really happy that it won. (And not just because it keeps my streak going.)
8:39--Aaaaaand, that's the show!
So, what did you think? Did you watch? Did you have any favorite moments? Who got robbed? And who got exactly what they deserved?
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
Loved the play by play. Like I was there. Sorry I missed it. Next year :)
ReplyDeleteI DVRed it so I could skip all the boring stuff...the sketches, tributes, speeches, commercials. lol!
ReplyDeleteSandra Bullock was speaking German. I totally expected her to speak Mandarin. That's what was so funny. She cracked me up!
Chris Rock was funny too! "Black people play donkeys..." or however he put it. ; )
And Colin Firth was so cute when he talked about Meryl Streep! "We were in Greece, I was gay." lol!
Good job!!!
Btw, I'm sure Chris Rock was referring to Eddie Murphy's role in Shrek when he said that. lol!
ReplyDeleteI had so much fun watching The Oscars this year! Thank goodness for Billy Crystal. And you definitely need to go to a Cirque de Soleil show--they're phenomenal!
ReplyDeleteI feel like The Artist is one of those movies that real people won't be watching, including myself. Zero interest.
ReplyDeleteI didn't watch, but I do love this play by play. And I agree - Tom Cruise with short hair is HOT.
ReplyDeleteI didn't watch until the end but I was really pleased to see Rango win Best Animated Film.
ReplyDeleteI always love your play by play! I didn't get to watch the first 2 hours so it was nice to read your account of what went down! I was super excited to read that Octavia Spencer won an award!!!!!!!!
ReplyDeleteWhen Angelina Jolie came onstage and jutted out her right leg, I wanted to puke. She is just so high and mighty. Someone needs to give that woman a pizza or two. She's way too bony.
I was happy for The Artist, because it really was something unique. I really liked it. Also happy for Octavia - she totally deserved it.
ReplyDeleteAs someone who ADORES Flight of the Conchords (which you really need to watch, Karen - it's beyond awesome), I was really rooting for Bret McKenzie to win for best song. So I was so happy that he did! I really wish we could have seen the songs performed. In years past when they've had 5 songs, we had to sit through them all. When there's only two, you cut out the performances? What's that about? MAN OR MUPPET! WE ALL WANTED TO SEE IT!
The funniest part and most ironic was the Cameron / Jennifer too tight, nipples popping out moment. I was dying! Ug! Gwyneth should have given that award out.
ReplyDeleteAngelina Jolie really does need to come off her high horse already. Also, I read that Woody Allen has never attended the Oscars when he is up for an award. He said this about them in general:
ReplyDelete"I have no regard for that kind of ceremony. I just don’t think they know what they’re doing. When you see who wins those things — or who doesn’t win them — you can see how meaningless this Oscar thing is."
He makes a good point. Still, I enjoy watching sometimes.
Thanks for this; I was in bed and asleep long before the broadcast. Didn't know that Sandra B. spoke Mandarin! And was equally surprised that "Albert Nobbs" didn't win for best make-up. I guess Streep portraying 40 years of Thatcher's life took more goop than I thought.
ReplyDeleteWow, Karen. I'm impressed--this is an AWESOME recap! Also, the language Sandra Bullock was speaking in was German. I have to say, she did a pretty great job with very little accent.
ReplyDeleteAlso, that whole Angelina pose was so contrived and gross-looking. Homegirl seriously needs to eat something. Not sure if you watch Community, but the screenwriter making fun of her onstage was actually the dean from that show. He's hysterical!
I did love Meryl a little bit more for knowing that most of America wanted Viola to win. Something about her irks me, but there's no doubt that she is a phenomenal actress. One of the very best...
ReplyDelete