Monday, November 19, 2012
I Suck at Life
Or one of those weeks?
How about one of those lives?
Because that's pretty much how I feel. All the time.
I tried to talk about this with my therapist a couple of weeks ago. Walked into the office, sat down on the couch and cried for 45 minutes about how I generally feel like I can't do anything right. And in his kind way, he took the examples I tried to use and turned them around to make me look at those scenarios and see the things I'd done right.
Except that it wasn't just the one or two examples I brought up, and I didn't actually leave his office feeling any better about those either.
In fact, in the past two weeks, it has become even MORE clear that I have failed in these two areas than I ever realized.
Last week, I made a joke about being mad at someone because I thought he might be mad at me about something silly and that I was annoyed at myself for being mad at someone for being mad at me, even though I didn't even actually know if he was mad or not.
Well, it turns out, he WAS.
And the worst part is, he had a pretty valid reason to be. Several of them. And none of them were even remotely close to what I THOUGHT I had done wrong.
They were much, much worse.
So we talked about those things and I apologized and bitterly wept as I was confronted with the horrors of how I, through my own self-centeredness, had made someone else feel unimportant, unappreciated, and generally like I'm a big jerk.
My sincere apologies were accepted. But I can't shake that feeling of being scrubbed raw and exposed. Of going from feeling like I was kind of not that great in general to finding out that I'm actually kind of terrible.
And it just went downhill from there.
A day or two later, I was poring over data at work. Data related to a project I've been more or less in charge of for the past couple of months. A project I've poured my heart and soul and insomniac hours into for most of the year. And suddenly I was confronted with data that suggest all of my efforts have been fruitless. That many of the students I was working to keep from falling through scholastic cracks have done exactly that.
And now I have to answer for it.
Which, of course, leaves me questioning everything I've done since February and looking for all the holes. Wondering what more I could have done and trying to figure out where I failed.
And trying to figure out how to justify asking for more money for this program so that I can do better next year.
There's more, too.
I could make a whole list of all the areas in my life where I'm failing.
I don't call my parents enough. A phone call I kept putting off meant that someone I don't know had to wait longer than necessary for something she desperately needs. I'm not putting enough effort into my calling at church. I sometimes don't respond to friends' (yeah, multiple friends) calls or text messages because I just have my own crap to deal with and I can't handle yours too. I haven't done a single bit of practice for choir outside of our regular rehearsals and our concert's in two weeks. I keep missing birthdays. NaNoWriMo? What's that? Project 52? Oh yeah, that sounds vaguely familiar.
Every time I turn around I'm running into something else I've forgotten or something that I really should have put more effort into or some area where I am just flat out failing.
I feel like I've reached a breaking point. That at any moment I will collapse under the weight of my mistakes and imperfections. That one of these days I'll mess up something that IS a matter of life and death and that I won't be able to fix it. And then what?
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