Monday, November 19, 2012

I Suck at Life

Do you ever have one of those days when you feel like you just can't do anything right?

Or one of those weeks?

How about one of those lives?

Because that's pretty much how I feel. All the time.

I tried to talk about this with my therapist a couple of weeks ago. Walked into the office, sat down on the couch and cried for 45 minutes about how I generally feel like I can't do anything right. And in his kind way, he took the examples I tried to use and turned them around to make me look at those scenarios and see the things I'd done right.

Except that it wasn't just the one or two examples I brought up, and I didn't actually leave his office feeling any better about those either.

In fact, in the past two weeks, it has become even MORE clear that I have failed in these two areas than I ever realized.

Last week, I made a joke about being mad at someone because I thought he might be mad at me about something silly and that I was annoyed at myself for being mad at someone for being mad at me, even though I didn't even actually know if he was mad or not.

Well, it turns out, he WAS.

And the worst part is, he had a pretty valid reason to be. Several of them. And none of them were even remotely close to what I THOUGHT I had done wrong.

They were much, much worse.

So we talked about those things and I apologized and bitterly wept as I was confronted with the horrors of how I, through my own self-centeredness, had made someone else feel unimportant, unappreciated, and generally like I'm a big jerk.

My sincere apologies were accepted. But I can't shake that feeling of being scrubbed raw and exposed. Of going from feeling like I was kind of not that great in general to finding out that I'm actually kind of terrible.

And it just went downhill from there.

A day or two later, I was poring over data at work. Data related to a project I've been more or less in charge of for the past couple of months. A project I've poured my heart and soul and insomniac hours into for most of the year. And suddenly I was confronted with data that suggest all of my efforts have been fruitless. That many of the students I was working to keep from falling through scholastic cracks have done exactly that.

And now I have to answer for it.

Which, of course, leaves me questioning everything I've done since February and looking for all the holes. Wondering what more I could have done and trying to figure out where I failed.

And trying to figure out how to justify asking for more money for this program so that I can do better next year.

There's more, too.

I could make a whole list of all the areas in my life where I'm failing.

I don't call my parents enough. A phone call I kept putting off meant that someone I don't know had to wait longer than necessary for something she desperately needs. I'm not putting enough effort into my calling at church. I sometimes don't respond to friends' (yeah, multiple friends) calls or text messages because I just have my own crap to deal with and I can't handle yours too. I haven't done a single bit of practice for choir outside of our regular rehearsals and our concert's in two weeks. I keep missing birthdays. NaNoWriMo? What's that? Project 52? Oh yeah, that sounds vaguely familiar.

Every time I turn around I'm running into something else I've forgotten or something that I really should have put more effort into or some area where I am just flat out failing.

I feel like I've reached a breaking point. That at any moment I will collapse under the weight of my mistakes and imperfections. That one of these days I'll mess up something that IS a matter of life and death and that I won't be able to fix it. And then what?


Photobucket
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!

11 comments:

  1. Ah, welcome to my life! I'm sorry your going through this and I won't tell you that if you think positive thoughts everything will work out because we both know that's a load of crap. But seriously, I had a break down on Tuesday, and then on Wednesday, and again on Thursday. I've finally made it through a day without crying (but I have teared up...) I guess my lesson for the year was to learn humility and to be honest, I'm getting tired of the lesson but I guess I haven't learned what I need to learn yet. If you need to chat, I'm here for you and if you don't want to talk to anyone and deal with it on your own, then I'll still be here when you're ready to come back.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like you need a hug, too, Jennee. Here's a big one: HUGGGGGG! Oh, and here's a tissue, too.

      Delete
  2. Karen! You stop that right now! You are awesome in every way!!! Sounds like you need to delete some things from your life. Get rid of all the extra curricular that is sucking the life right out of you! You can't do it all, and it's time to simplify. Make more time for just YOU! It's time you make yourself a priority in your life.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Maybe it's time to go something just for you, someplace new, for a few days and find your peace again.
    And while you're doing that, remember that no matter where you've screwed up or how much you feel you've let others and yourself down, God still loves you. He doesn't see the terrible that you see. He sees a child He loves.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Pfffft! Mizz Karen, I am the QUEEN of Suckiness! If there was a Suckiest Person Contest, I would be the CHAMPION! I know, you're thinking, gee whiz, can't I even be the suckiest person without someone trying to be suckier than me? Doesn't it completely SUCK when someone does that?

    The best thing about blogging, the best, is being free to vent; free to explain to the whole universe why you suck... and by simple virtue of doing that, you also realize that you don't suck at all... because a truly bad person would never even realize their mistakes - never mind broadcast them to a loving and forgiving world.

    We all suck sometimes. We do. And then it gets better.

    Hugs and mushy stuff being sent your way, you non-sucking person, you.

    ReplyDelete
  5. So sorry Karen! I can assure you it's life that sucks not you.

    ReplyDelete
  6. It sounds like you've got too much going on in your life. No one can bust their rear for very long without something breaking. Can you lighten your load so you can concentrate more on the really important things? Just a suggestion. : ) Hope you feel better SOON!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I think it's going around. I've felt pretty worthless and ineffectual lately. I blame it on children and short days.

    ReplyDelete
  8. I hate to fail. It just doesn't happen. Except when it does. All the time. I know this sounds cliche, but those are my learning moments, and I know I won't make those mistakes again.

    ReplyDelete
  9. I hope you can learn whatever lesson you're suppose to during this trying time. I don't think you're going through it for nothing, and imagine it will be of some use to you in your future endeavors. I know I could give some advice, but I know you already know it all. So, I'll just say that I hope you can find peace and comfort at this time.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Ugh! Sorry you're going through a rough time. I have been there myself. In fact, just a week ago I had a day where I was crying and saying I'm obviously sucking at both my work and my personal life right now! I even had a day where two of my four animals got hurt, so I was like, what the heck, it's my responsibility to care for them, and I'm only succeeding 50% today?! Anyway, you're not alone, and you're not crazy. Hang in there!

    ReplyDelete

"You know what they say. If you don't have anything nice to say about anybody, come sit by me."

~Clairee Belcher, Steel Magnolias