Friday, December 21, 2012
Karen's Blog Awards 2012
This is such an exciting night. And for those of you who aren't lucky enough to get the Karen Channel from your cable or satellite provider, I will happily be presenting the play-by-play so that you don't miss any of the action!
There has been a bit of an improvement over last year. Now that word has started to get out about the awesomeness of these awards, our presenters have gone from Z list straight to D list. So let's get on with the show!
6:00--A graphic on the screen shows that there will first be a moment of silence in honor of the victims in Newtown, CT.
6:02--Dancers leap onto the stage doing this awesome number. Karen Peterson, tonight's host(ess), is carried in on a throne-looking thing by four very hot men that all look a lot like Ryan Gosling. She's dressed in some sort of a Cleopatra costume, which is odd, but she totally rocks it.
6:05--Karen's monologue is hilarious! She's on a roll tonight! "We'll still love you, even if you're a loser." Pure comedy.
6:18--Karen introduces the first presenter, for Favorite New Blog: Danny Wood from New Kids on the Block.
6:19--Danny does a little bit of the New Kids dance and the crowd goes wild. Someone in the audience yells, "We love you Jordan!" Um...
6:20--And the winner is: Because, What if...!
6:21--Jodi comes up wearing a stunning blue Vera Wang gown. She says she isn't sure that she has much to say, but then she gives a very gracious acceptance speech.
6:26--Karen comes back out after her first costume change. Now she's wearing a gorgeous red Versace gown and shoes that would make Misty from Handbags and Handguns drool. She introduces the presenters for Best Kept Secret: the entire cast of Cougar Town.
6:28--They are all in character, holding their wine glasses. Courteny Cox's glass is gigantic and I'm pretty sure she's on her third or fourth so far. They can't even get through their routine before Busy Phillipps slips and almost falls over Christa Miller, but Josh Hopkins catches her in time.
6:34--And the winner is: By the Brooke!
6:35--Brooke's silver dress is sparkly and perfect. Good choice! She says she didn't expect to win, but pulls out a speech she wrote "just in case."
6:39--Ooh, it looks like an A-lister managed to sneak in. Here to present the first of the Favorite Blogs of the Year: Kate Beckinsale. She talks about nominee Alex J. Cavanaugh. When the camera pans over to Alex, he's blushing.
6:43--Karen has had another wardrobe change. This time she's in a fabulous green gown, but there's something funky going on with her hair. She introduces the next presenter, Kathy Griffin.
6:46--Kathy Griffin jokes about how funny bloggers are the new stand up comedian, and then she presents the award for Favorite Pee-in-Your-Pants Funny blogger. "This blogger is so funny, I literally almost peed in my pants."
6:48--And the winner is: It Just Gets Stranger!
6:49--Eli is looking very...dapper. He is wearing traditional Palauan clothing. Interesting choice, but okay. Oh, now he's doing what looks like it's supposed to be a Palauan dance, or maybe he's being attacked by bees.
6:51--He accepts his award and thanks all the strangers in the world, but most of all his cats.
6:54--Karen sings a song that, I think, she's making up as she goes along. It doesn't really make sense and I think part of it is in French. But her voice rocks. Except for that last high note. Yikes.
6:57--She introduces the next presenters, the cast of Glee, to introduce the next Favorite Blog of the Year nominee, It Just Gets Stranger.
7:06--The dancers come back onstage and perform an interpretive dance to the Most Inspiring Post nominees set to music.
7:14--Karen has had another wardrobe change. This time she's wearing a black outfit that sort of looks like Anne Hathaway's Catwoman costume. She should not. Just...no.
7:15--She says that whomever said "One size fits all LIED." At least she gets it.
7:16--She introduces the next presenter for Most Inspirational Blog, Oscar Pistorius.
7:17--He compares blogging to competing in the Olympics and how everyone's a winner just for being here, and a bunch of other inspirational stuff that I am not really listening to.
7:23--And the winner is: Mommy, Run Fast!
7:25--Laura looks awesome in a purple dress, which she pulls up to show off her brand new running shoes. She thanks everyone who voted for her and then does a few one-handed push ups before the band plays her off.
7:32--Some of the rejected contestants from The Voice are onstage now to sing about the Funniest Posts of the year. It's a pretty awesome musical number, complete with shadow puppets.
7:40--Karen has gotten rid of the Catwoman costume and is now wearing a muumuu. Classy.
7:41--She introduces the next presenter, Josh Krajcik, who introduces the next Favorite Blog of the Year, Jennee Thompson.
7:49-- And now, to present the award for Favorite Blog by a Parent is Honey Boo Boo's mom, who spends several minutes talking about how her daughter could totally win this award if she wanted to.
7:58--And the award goes to: Blondesense and Nonsense!
7:59--Shawna is definitely the best dressed so far. Who is her designer?? She tries to remember all the people she wants to thank while her daughter makes funny faces and tries to grab the microphone.
8:05--Karen comes back, still in the muumuu, and says she's been told to hurry the show along, so they are going to cut the juggling act and her dramatic reading from Jenny Lawson's book, Let's Pretend this Never Happened. And that they're going to combine the next two performances for Most Helpful and Most Thought-Provoking Posts into one giant number.
8:08--This was a really bad idea. There's one group of people trying to tap dance while some Cirque du Soleil performers attempt tricks around them while David Hasselhoff sings the titles without any content. Odd. Just odd.
8:22--To present the next award for Favorite Single's Blog is Jef from The Bachelorette. He talks about how each of the nominees seems to be really genuine and lovely, but that you can't always trust that and some women turn out to be big fat liars.
8:25--And the winner is: Single Infertile Female!
8:26--Leah laughs hysterically as she walks up to the stage. She says she didn't even bother writing a speech since she still doesn't know why she was nominated for Favorite Singles' Blog and then tells some stories about the last few dates she went on with a guy who turned out to be a kleptomaniac.
8:31--Karen has finally changed outfits again and is now wearing a white dress that sort of looks like a wedding dress. She asks if Jef is still around, but he's backstage flirting with Leah.
8:34--The next award, for Favorite Writing Blog, will be presented by The Bloggess herself, Jenny Lawson!
8:36--Jenny says she's taken 3 Xanax and feels great. Then she says the 'f' word a lot and the entire audience is laughing their heads off. And then she announces the winner:
8:38--Creepy Query Girl!
8:39--Katie isn't in the audience because she couldn't get a flight back from France, but she joins in via satellite and thanks every agent who's ever sent her a rejection.
8:43--Apparently the jugglers didn't get the memo that their number had been cut, because they are now onstage juggling laptops. Aaaand, that guy just dropped one. Oops.
8:50--Karen is now wearing a tuxedo and says that she feels like this show is a little too heavy on the estrogen. "Where all the men bloggers at??"
8:52--She introduces the next presenters, Ben Silbermann and Evan Sharpe, founders of Pinterest, to present Favorite Crafty-Type Blog.
8:53--And the winner is: A Girl and a Glue Gun!
8:54--Kimbo is wearing a really cool dress and says that she made all of her accessories herself. And that the tutorials are available on her blog.
8:58--Kristen Bell introduces the next Favorite Blog of the Year nominee, Single Infertile Female.
9:08--The next award, Favorite "Other" Blog is presented by Daniel Baldwin who does a whole monologue about what it's like to be the Other Baldwin Brother. It's not very funny. More like just sad.
9:16--And the winner is: Adulting!
9:17--Kelly looks fabulous in a classic Audrey Hepburn style gown. She jumps up and down when she receives her award and then says, "It's okay. Accepting awards graciously isn't one of the steps."
9:31--Karen's back onstage now wearing jeans and a t-shirt and her Uggs. She introduces the presenters for Most Inspiring Post, Snooki.
9:34--Snooki rambles a lot and apparently can't read the teleprompter. She keeps adjusting her dress and smacking her gum and then remembers she's presenting an award. Without recapping the nominees, she just announces the winner.
9:53--Christina is distracted because she's in the middle of a conversation with Zac Effron, but the other nominees, Emily and Gina, get her attention and tell her to go up and accept her award. Christina's thanks ALL THE PEOPLE.
10:00--The Funniest Post award is being presented by Dustin Diamond. He makes a few jokes, but no one laughs, so he gets mad and starts quoting Screech. And the audience goes wild.
10:04--The award goes to "Texts with a 12-year-old" from It Just Gets Stranger!
10:05--Eli comes back to the stage and thanks middle school angst, without which this award would not have been possible.
10:10--Karen introduces the next presenter, Miss Piggy.
10:11--Miss Piggy introduces the final Favorite Blog of the Year nominee, Subliminal Coffee. And then she says, "It should have been moi," and storms off the stage.
10:22--Eric Estrada, dressed in his old CHiPs costume, presents the award for Most Helpful Post.
10:23--Karen's mom yells from the audience, "I love you, Ponch!"
10:24--The award goes to: "Things you shouldn't say to depressed people," from Geoff Takes On!
10:25--Geoff looks so shocked and surprised as he walks up to the stage. He didn't prepare a speech, but dedicates his award to all the depressed people out there.
10:32--REM comes out and performs "It's the End of the World as We Know It" in honor of the Mayan Apocalypse.
10:41--Karen is now wearing hoodie footie pajamas and introduces the next presenter. She says she's tired and going to bed.
10:44--The award for Most Thought-Provoking Post is presented by the guy who started SomeECards.
10:47--The award goes to: "Step 213: Do not comment on things people are, comment on things they do," from Adulting!
10:48--Kelly says she has given it some thought and decided that accepting awards graciously will be Step 470 in the second edition of her book.
10:53--And now it's time for the final award of the night. Favorite Blog of the Year. The presenter is last year's winner, Ru from And then she was like blah, blah, blah.
10:55--Ru talks about how winning this award changed her life not at all, but that it's still a big honor and the winner should shout Karen's praises from the rooftops for the entire next year.
10:59--The winner. The Favorite Blog of the Year. Goes to.
11:00--It Just Gets Stranger!
11:04--Eli says this is so unexpected that he didn't prepare a speech. He's not sure what to say and ends up thanking Paul Cyclemon, The First Eye, The Queen of Colors, Jane, and Yahoo! Answers for helping make his wildest dreams come true.
And that's the show, folks. I hope you enjoyed it. Writing this stuff is HARD.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!