Monday, January 14, 2013
The 70th Annual Golden Globes Play by Play
5:00 Tina Fey and Amy Poehler are onstage for their opening...dialog? Two of the best lines: "Ricky Gervais could not be here tonight because he is technically no longer in show business." and "Kathryn Bigelow is nominated for Best Director. I haven't been following the controversy, but when it comes to torture, I trust the woman who spent three years married to James Cameron."
5:10 Bradley Cooper and Kate Hudson present the award for Best Supporting Actor in a Motion Picture. No witty banter. No basking in the cuteness. Just right on to the award.
5:11 Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained. His speech is pretty average. Lots of thanks, nothing extra.
5:13 Kerry Washington and Dennis Quaid (totally should have said, "Dennis Quaid is here!") present Best Supporting Actress in a Series, Mini-Series or TV Movie.
5:15 Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey, Season 2! She couldn't be there, so they accept the award on her behalf.
5:20 Eva Longoria and Don Cheadle introduce Miss and Mister Golden Globe: Francesca Eastwood and Sam Fox. Then they present the award for Best Mini-Series or TV Movie to Game Change.
5:21 The producer tries to make a joke about Sarah Palin, but messes it up which is fine because it wasn't that funny anyway. He gets some courtesy laughs, though.
5:25 Eva and Don also present the award for Best Actress in a Mini Series or TV Movie to Julianne Moore from Game Change.
5:26 Another standard speech. Except that she thanks Tina Fey and Katie Couric. Funny that she doesn't thank...you know...Sarah Palin since literally she could not have won this award without here, but whatever.
5:27 Catherine Zeta-Jones introduces the clip for Best Picture Drama nominee, Les Misérables.
5:30 Tina Fey explains the Hunger Games and then says the HFPA uses the same process to select their president. She introduces the current president whose term is ending after two years. I missed her name. She says, "Allow me to say three words to Bradley Cooper. Call me, maybe?"
5:32 Rosario Dawson introduces Best Picture Comedy or Musical nominee, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel.
5:33 Selma Hayek and Paul Rudd present Best Actor in a TV Series Drama.
5:34 Damien Lewis, Homeland. He says, "The best journeys are always shared."
5:36 And Selma and Paul also present...uh oh...broken teleprompter...um...
5:37 Oh, Best TV Series Drama.
5:38 Homeland. The producer tells a story about Claire Danes being 8 months pregnant and filming a scene over and over again at 3am. She's a trooper.
5:45 John Goodman introduces Tony Mendez, the real-life CIA operative at the center of the film Argo. Tony Mendez introduces the clip for the Best Picture Drama nominee. What an amazing man. If you haven't seen that movie yet, you really need to.
5:47 Jennifer Lopez and Jason Statham present Best Original Score to Mychael Danna for Life of Pi.
5:50 Jennifer and Jason also present Best Original Song to Adele for Skyfall.
5:51 Adele says, "We've been pissing ourselves laughing all night." Then they must have been drinking or something because it hasn't been THAT funny...
5:58 Keifer Sutherland and Jessica Alba present Best Actor in a Mini Series or TV movie to Kevin Costner for Hatfields and McCoys. Good. He was fantastic.
5:59 Costner's speech is about his first Golden Globes and how much they meant to a young actor just starting out.
6:01 Bill Clinton? Why? He's introducing the clip for Lincoln? Seriously? Whatever.
6:03 Amy Poehler says, "Wow, what an exciting guest. That was Hilary Clinton's husband!"
6:05 Will Ferrell and Kristen Wiig do the funniest presentation of the night. In fact, I had to find the clip:
6:10 And the winner is: Jennifer Lawrence for Silver Linings Playbook. She says, "I beat Meryl!" Her speech is sweet. "To my brothers...I wouldn't be who I am today without you being mean to me and then really supportive." Awww.
6:15 John Krazinski and Kristen Bell present Best Supporting Actor in a TV Series, Mini Series or TV Movie to Ed Harris for Game Change. He's not there.
6:16 Jamie Foxx introduces Django Unchained.
6:17 Jonah Hill and Megan Fox are awkward. She tries to joke about him not returning her calls or something, but he kind of ignores it and just goes on with the award so she kind of looks dumb. Oh, wait, that's how she always looks. Never mind. They present Best Supporting Actress in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical.
6:18 Anne Hathaway from Les Misérables. "Thank you for this blunt object that I will forever use as a weapon against self doubt."
6:25 Robert Pattinson and Amanda Seyfried present Best Screenplay.
6:26 Quentin Tarantino for Django Unchained. "I'm happy to be surprised."
6:29 Jeremy Irons introduces Salmon Fishing in the Yemen.
6:30 Lucy Liu and Debra Messing present Best Actor in a TV Comedy or Musical.
6:31 Don Cheadle, House of Lies. His speech is pretty standard.
6:36 Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger present Best Foreign Language Film after having a slight disagreement over whose English is worse. They are not funny and Arnold sucks.
6:37 The winner is Amour from Austria. The director says, "I never expected to receive this award from an Austrian."
6:40 Nathan Fillion and Lea Michele (who is WAY too fake baked) present Best Actress in a TV Drama to Claire Danes for Homeland.
6:47 Sacha Baron Cohen does a weird intro talking about Les Mis. He is not funny. "To prepare, Russell Crowe had 4 months of singing lessons. That was money well spent." Okay, that was a little funny. Why do people think he's funny? He presents Best Animated Feature.
6:50 Brave. Which was visually beautiful, but the plot was missing something. The director is talking SO LOUD.
6:51 Liev Schreiber introduces Life of Pi.
6:53 Jason Bateman carries Aziz Ansari onto the stage. Aziz says the cast of Downton Abbey has great weed.
6:54 They present Best Actress in a TV comedy to Lena Dunham from Girls. She can't walk in her shoes. Seriously, someone should have taught her how to walk in heels.
7:01 Amy and Tina, who both just lost to Lena Dunham, come back to the stage. "The show has taken a turn. Time to start drinking now that we're all losers."
7:02 Tina says, "Our next presenter is an actor so versatile, he's played Iron Man in three different movies."
7:03 Robert Downey Jr says, "Ms. Foster, please know that I love you in spite of what may transpire in the next few minutes." He presents the Cecil B. DeMille Award to Jodie Foster. He talks about her work, they show the standard montage, and then she comes up to accept her award.
7:10 "Tonight I feel like a prom queen." She talks about the importance of guarding her privacy in a life where she's been in the spotlight since age 3. She also says she doesn't need to out herself because she did that years ago with the people that matter.
7:20 Halle Berry presents the award for Best Director to Ben Affleck for Argo. Kind of makes you want to stand up and say "In yo face!" to the Academy.
7:21 Ben's speech is very heartfelt. You can tell that he really didn't expect this.
7:23 Josh Brolin introduces Moonrise Kingdom.
7:25 Jay Leno and Jimmy Fallon. I am so over Jay Leno. He annoys me. And it bugs me when he makes jokes that reference the whole Conan thing.
7:26 Best TV Comedy or Musical goes to Girls. Lena Dunham accepts the award and says she always promised if she got the chance, she would thank Chad Lowe. Which is hilarious is you know the infamous Hilary Swank reference.
7:31 Christian Bale introduces Silver Linings Playbook.
7:33 Jennifer Garner is the next presenter, but first she thanks two more people for her husband, Ben Affleck. She presents Best Actor in a Motion Picture Comedy or Musical to Hugh Jackman for Les Mis.
7:34 Hugh says, "To the guy or girl who stole the wheels off my bike while I was auditioning for Les Mis, keep em. We're all good."
7:40 Jeremy Renner introduces Zero Dark Thirty.
7:44 Dustin Hoffman presents the award for Best Motion Picture Comedy or Musical to Les Misérables. The cast is super excited and bouncing all over the place. Kind of funny since it's a movie about a bunch of miserable people.
7:50 Tina Fey introduces the next presenter. "Our next presenter is so good looking he makes young George Clooney look like garbage. Please welcome middle-aged George Clooney."
7:51 George Clooney presents Best Actress in a drama to Jessica Chastain for Zero Dark Thirty.
7:52 Her speech is sweet and genuine and she is so excited to win.
7:54 And since Meryl Streep has the flu, George also presents Best Actor in a Drama to Daniel Day-Lewis for Lincoln.
7:55 I'm sure he gave a great speech, but I got distracted and missed it. Sorry.
7:56 Julia Roberts presents the final award for Best Motion Picture Drama. The awards have been so all over the place tonight that I have no idea what's going to win.
7:57 The winner is ARGO!
8:00 Amy and Tina say they're going home with Jodie Foster and good night.
So there you have it. The most boring Golden Globes in recent memory. I couldn't even find much to joke about. Tina and Amy were underutilized and there wasn't much banter with the presentations, which made it feel kind of stiff and formal. I don't know. Some people really liked it, apparently.
What did you think?
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