Monday, March 4, 2013
I Couldn't Sleep Last Night Because of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Okay, fine, it was more like 0200, but zero dark thirty sounds cooler. Like I'm all covert and hunting down bad guys à la Jessica Chastain.
I go through these insomniac bouts a couple times a year. The last time, my
As awesome as the experience is, I'm a little reluctant to go back to that particular crazy pill.
I know. Shocker, right?
Instead, I'm trying to ride out this latest wave of wakefulness by boring myself back to sleep. I've been reading some...not...awesome books. Like, I find myself wondering how the hell these books got published and then realize they were self-published and get all annoyed because seriously if you're going to self-publish at least do the world a favor and hire an actual editor because you are too close to your own work to cut out the stuff that really needs to go.
So anyway, I've been doing some reading. But then I get all annoyed at the book and the author and then I think about how annoying the book is and how I could write it so much better, but it's the middle of the night and I really shouldn't get up and start writing because then I'll never get back to sleep.
Only, I never do go back to sleep. So, really, I may as well use the time to write. At least I would be doing something productive.
But then I turn on the television and scroll through 600 channels of infomercials until I find some random movie on HBO that I've seen a hundred times. This morning it was The Terminator. But that didn't work very well because I got mad at Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Why would I be mad at Arnold Schwarzenegger? Because he was a lousy governor, that's why. And he screwed the state over so bad when he was governor that now every time I see him I want to punch him in the throat.
Except that would be a bad idea because he has those muscles and could legitimately claim self-defense. And then I'd have to try to explain that I was supposed to be on anti-psychotic medication for "sleeping" but that I didn't want to pay for them so I stopped taking them. Which would be a good excuse, of course, but still wouldn't fix the fact that I'd have a broken jaw after throat punching the Terminator.
After the movie ended, I turned on the early news when they were talking about that sinkhole in Florida that ate that guy right out of his bed.
Well, there was definitely no going to sleep after that because I kept hearing noises and was absolutely positive that the ground was going to open up and swallow me.
There have been times I've actually hoped that would happen. But I was feeling fairly good this morning and didn't particularly want to be swallowed up under the house. Mostly because there is a crawl space that is likely full of spiders, and we all know how much I like spiders.
I like spiders about as much as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Only I would never throat punch them.
Because they don't have throats.
And also they would probably bite me.
Which, considered I've just been swallowed by a giant hole in the ground would probably not be that big a deal, but would still be rather unpleasant.
I decided it was probably not the best time to be watching the news, so I got ready for work instead, getting to my office an hour earlier than usual.
But after that train of thought, I pretty much feel like I was here all night.
The sad thing?
I'm not even tired.
You are awesome. And if you share this post, you'll be even awesomer!
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I like the way your mind works when you're tired.
ReplyDeleteMaybe a sinkhole will swallow Arnold?
I think our brains might be similarly wired. And since I know what goes on in MY head, I feel for you ;-)
ReplyDeleteMan that was an awesome thought process. BTW sink holes are more likely to happen in Florida, Texas, Alabama, Missouri, Kentucky, Tennessee, Pennsylvania. But there is always accidental man made sink holes. Either way I would probably have trouble sleeping too after seeing that on the news.
ReplyDeleteYou make me smile. Reading your post feels like you're right here talking to me hahaha. You're doing really good to stay up awake by getting annoyed with the book you read, mad with the movie you've watch or I would say Arnold Schwarzenegger, and afraid of being swallowed by a sink hole.
ReplyDeleteMaybe you should write that book and get it published so then you can loose sleep wondering how many people are thinking thoughts you once had about bad books and if that is what they are thinking about your book? Or how every time you wonder why five sets of eyes didn't see a mistake through five edits until the book is available for purchase? Or how you feel like a failure because no one says anything to you about even having a published book so you try to keep living your dream as an author or you decide to sit it out and accept defeat. These are the kind of things that keep me up at night.... You're train of thought is much more entertaining than mine though, and it's easy to see why you have sleep anxiety! I hope you can let your mind relax and get some good sleep, sounds like you need it.
ReplyDeleteI'm an insomniac too but my solution is to stay up til 3-3:30 am. One perk of being disabled, if you will, is that you can sleep til, well, whenever you wake up. If you want to read a bad book (and I mean BAD), try to get your hands on Angela's Ashes. It's baaaaaaaaaad!
ReplyDeleteThank goodness effing Gray Davis never made movies, or we'd have even more throat punching. ;)
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ReplyDeleteI totally feel for you, I have a weird case of insomnia, but I also have narcolepsy. Explain that one, eh? I take meds to sleep at night and meds to stay awake during the day. I've spent weeks where I didn't sleep, so I did get up and write. And write, and write. I wrote some of my best stuff at 3 am. Now, my sleep is regulated, so I write during the day. Wish I could help, but I hope you have a blessed day. Followed you from SITS.
ReplyDeleteHaha! I forgot all about Keith Richards falling out of a tree! I seriously couldn't fall asleep the other night because I was thinking about that sinkhole! I read some articles and then looked at sinkholes from all over the world. They happen like once a week!! It's so creepy that the Earth just swallowed that guy! And his poor brother. Ugh. So yeah, I was in bed afraid of sinkholes and then started thinking about quicksand, which is real (I didn't know that until like 5 years ago) and even creepier. Haha!
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