Monday, March 4, 2013
I Couldn't Sleep Last Night Because of Arnold Schwarzenegger
Okay, fine, it was more like 0200, but zero dark thirty sounds cooler. Like I'm all covert and hunting down bad guys à la Jessica Chastain.
I go through these insomniac bouts a couple times a year. The last time, my
As awesome as the experience is, I'm a little reluctant to go back to that particular crazy pill.
I know. Shocker, right?
Instead, I'm trying to ride out this latest wave of wakefulness by boring myself back to sleep. I've been reading some...not...awesome books. Like, I find myself wondering how the hell these books got published and then realize they were self-published and get all annoyed because seriously if you're going to self-publish at least do the world a favor and hire an actual editor because you are too close to your own work to cut out the stuff that really needs to go.
So anyway, I've been doing some reading. But then I get all annoyed at the book and the author and then I think about how annoying the book is and how I could write it so much better, but it's the middle of the night and I really shouldn't get up and start writing because then I'll never get back to sleep.
Only, I never do go back to sleep. So, really, I may as well use the time to write. At least I would be doing something productive.
But then I turn on the television and scroll through 600 channels of infomercials until I find some random movie on HBO that I've seen a hundred times. This morning it was The Terminator. But that didn't work very well because I got mad at Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Why would I be mad at Arnold Schwarzenegger? Because he was a lousy governor, that's why. And he screwed the state over so bad when he was governor that now every time I see him I want to punch him in the throat.
Except that would be a bad idea because he has those muscles and could legitimately claim self-defense. And then I'd have to try to explain that I was supposed to be on anti-psychotic medication for "sleeping" but that I didn't want to pay for them so I stopped taking them. Which would be a good excuse, of course, but still wouldn't fix the fact that I'd have a broken jaw after throat punching the Terminator.
After the movie ended, I turned on the early news when they were talking about that sinkhole in Florida that ate that guy right out of his bed.
Well, there was definitely no going to sleep after that because I kept hearing noises and was absolutely positive that the ground was going to open up and swallow me.
There have been times I've actually hoped that would happen. But I was feeling fairly good this morning and didn't particularly want to be swallowed up under the house. Mostly because there is a crawl space that is likely full of spiders, and we all know how much I like spiders.
I like spiders about as much as Arnold Schwarzenegger. Only I would never throat punch them.
Because they don't have throats.
And also they would probably bite me.
Which, considered I've just been swallowed by a giant hole in the ground would probably not be that big a deal, but would still be rather unpleasant.
I decided it was probably not the best time to be watching the news, so I got ready for work instead, getting to my office an hour earlier than usual.
But after that train of thought, I pretty much feel like I was here all night.
The sad thing?
I'm not even tired.
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